What is my identity?

When we are abused...in any fashion...we learn as children to wear masks because we, of ourselves are not acceptable (at least that is the lie we are told.) In some cases, we not only have our own masks that we wear to try and protect ourselves, but we have masks that are thrust upon us, that we had better conform to, or be willing to accept the horrible consequences. But as we get older, without realizing it, both types of the masks can become our identity, either to win favor or as a protective instinct. Then, suddenly, we realize, that we have no idea who we really are, how we really feel or what we really believe. We start to cling to the false masks we have because we just know that if we take them off and look in the mirror, we will find and see....nothing...nobody. So the question beckons us....isn't it better to wear a false mask than to rummage through the years of abuse and pain to rediscover ourselves again? Isn't a fake identity better than no identity at all? PRAISE THE LORD that He holds the answer to this frightening, painful conundrum.

Acts 17:28 says, "For in Him we live and move and have our being." Italics mine

What a wonderful place to start finding ourselves! While trusting in Him for anything is an ongoing battle....if we just open the door to Him a crack and timidly ask, "Please....Daddy...show me who I am in Your eyes. Help me begin to find MY beliefs. Help me begin to know that it is okay for me to have feelings and to express them. Show me small ways that I can start to explore the parts of me that are really me and that You love." There is no one that wants us to be whole individuals more than our Father and He says in His word that if we ask ANYTHING according to His will, He will give it to us. Rest assured, we will begin to find our true identity with His guidance and strength.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE. But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Some days are just toooo much!

I really feel in need of the stress reduction kit today! It's actually appealing to think about using it! Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I am trying...I just keep running into walls. Do you feel that way too? So as I was feeling the frustration of spirit within me I began to peruse a women's devotional. A verse jumped out at me that caused me to just take a deep breath and I wanted to share it with you.

It's Zephaniah 3:17 which says:

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

"He will quiet you with his love." When feeling tulmult in our hearts....let us just breath for a moment and remember our "Daddy's" love...and let Him quiet us. He is faithful and will.....if we let Him.

A powerful song....

I am doing something different today in that I am just going to share the lyrics of a song that really speak to my heart. I pray it reminds you that the Lord doesn't always expect us to be valiant warriors on the battlefield...sometimes He just wants us to run to Him and let Him put His arms around us for a while. It is a song by Twila Paris and it's title is:

THE WARRIOR IS A CHILD

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

Strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

Never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

The truth verses the lie.....

"But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive." Genesis 50:20

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

As I was talking with my boss yesterday about my struggles, he shared his favorite verse in Genesis with me, which struck me powerfully because of it's perfect application for those of us who are abuse survivors. I have shared with you often that I don't believe it is ever the direct action of our God that makes bad things happen to us. However, if you look at the verse in Genesis through the heart of the verse in Romans, I think it demonstrates what we see happening in our lives consistently. Satan has tried to destroy our lives, our hope, our peace, our hearts and ultimately our intimacy, our intimacy with our "Daddy". Yet, aren't there many aspects to our abuse that have given us tremendous strength, discernment and compassion? What a glory to the Lord if we seek healing and then fulfill the verse in

2 Corinthians 1:3, 4 which says:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in trouble, with the comfort with which we are comforted by God."

I believe we can be a real blessing to others that have experienced the same heartache and betrayal we have if we can look for ways that our Lord intends to use that which was meant for evil to work good. Comforting others with our comfort is a powerful way to do just that.

The final thought for the day is this: Satan intends for us to see ourselves as ugly, deformed, worthless and broken vessels that can't possibly be used for anything of value. But the truth from Daddy's heart to ours is this:

We are sons and daughters of THE KING!!! Let us hold our heads up today, walking with confidence in that truth.

THERE IS HOPE!!!

It is unusual for me to have two pictures but I decided to represent the lie that I am feeling as well as the reality of truth I need to cling to. It is not my intent to disturb you with the picture chosen to depict the lie but it is true that life often feels intensely dark and hopeless.

I also started to abstain altogether from writing today because I only want to be an encouragment to you but then I wondered how many of you have felt or are feeling the same way I am today? So here I sit writing and hopefully, in the end, encouraging you as well.

Despite the fact that I am working 40 hours a week....I am drowning financially anyway. It is so unfair to be working hard to be in harmony with asking the Lord for help and yet still be losing the battle...or at least it seems so today. There are many areas that I frequently feel this way. Regarding my efforts to walk with the Lord daily....my relationships....in reaching out to serve...in paying my bills. There are so many areas that I try and feel like all I am doing is failing or more specifically...drowning. That word and the image it conjures up in my mind is perfect. I am flailing around in this vast ocean with nothing to hold on to...my head goes under and water pours into my mouth and up my nose...then I come up, gasp for a breath, only to go back under again. That is truly how I often feel these days. Do you?

This morning as I was driving to work, the radio announcers on the Christian radio station I listening to talked about our need to rest in the Lord and then played a couple of songs about the same thing. I felt like the Lord was tapping me on the shoulder, whispering to me, "This is for you." But my response was to say, "It's hard to rest when you're drowning, Lord!"

Then I get to work and I shared how I was feeling with a co-worker today, someone I didn't know even knew the Lord. Then he explained that he feels the same way...that by the end of the week, he is counting pennies just to ride the bus. He received a promotion with more responsibility but has gotten no raise. Then he said, "But the Lord always gets me through. For today, I am OKAY. WE are okay, right? We don't know what tomorrow or the next day holds, but He is taking care of us TODAY." I felt truly humbled by a couple of things: First, he shared some of his financial responsibilities and they are much bigger than mine and secondly, that even in the face of all he has to deal with, he is clinging to the Lord for hope and peace.

So...since flailing around isn't helping me anyway...I have decided I am really going to try to cling to the actual truth..to all of the promises that my "Daddy" has given me in His Word. Promises to take care of me. Promises that I am never alone. Promises to take care of my needs. Promises that His love for me NEVER fails. I am His and NOTHING can change that.

The picture of truth was supposed to be at the end of this so you could focus on that but apparently formatting won't let me do that. So, I want you to go up to the picture of truth and focus on that....like I have and feel yourself resting in His arms because in truth............that is exactly where we are.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words and so I will say no more.

I found this picture so fascinating because these are aspen trees and normally they stand straight and tall in nature. Then a parallel struck me in that we develop very differently from others due to our abuse. Yet despite that, God has a miraculous way of making us look beautiful to His glory even though we are warped and crooked. Instead of embracing the hurtful programing that I have from my childhood, "You are nobody. You are a failure. You'll never get any better. It's hopeless." I need to remember that though I feel like a deformed and ugly thing, He can use this freak of nature in wondrous ways. What an awesome "Daddy" we have! Despite the dysfunction in me...He is always Good and as long as I allow Him to...He will continue to make me into a new creation.

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13

I am 7 years old and have a long way to go....

I just had to have a small entry because every year that passes and builds on the foundation the Lord started so many years ago is a miracle! On the 3rd of this month, I had my 7th birthday in Christ and I find it hard to believe because it doesn't seem like that long ago...not that 7 years is a lifetime or anything but wow! what a journey it has been...and the destination is nowhere in sight at this point. But that is just as well since I would try and find a shortcut! So I just wanted to say Thank You Daddy for getting me this far....I hope there are things that will bring Him glory in the coming year...that is the desire of my heart. I pray that you are poignantly aware of His hand being on you as you walk with Him over the next year as well. I tell you what....you remind me when I begin to doubt and hopefully He will use me to remind you that He is ALWAYS there with you as well!

Side note: This is not a picture of me....I am deliberately not using pictures of me because this blog is not about me....it is about our Daddy and our journey with Him.

Well…it has been a year and a half since I wrote my last entry regarding finishing my book and what a bizarre and mostly horrible time it has been. On several occasions I have tried to write and didn’t feel any leading in those endeavors. I got my first inkling to write last week so here I am. You know, I thought I had a really good beat on what the Lord had in mind for me by the time I finished writing and boy, was I wrong!

I have always striven to be transparent in speaking with you and today will be no different even though it is difficult to tell you what my life has been like for the last 1½ years. I was walking so intimately with the Lord while I was writing as I shared with you at the time. He got me through the grueling and deeply painful process of reliving every traumatic and painful experience of my life in just 3½ months. But then, less than 2 weeks later after finishing my book, I was drinking, smoking pot and fornicating with a married man! What a shock it was to my heart to find myself in the midst of so much sin after the deeply spiritual experience I had been living daily for the last 3½ months!

I have since figured out that I was traumatized all over again by the reliving of my life and it spiraled me out of control and that is where I have been ever since. Well, up until 4 months ago, when I started to finally feel a little bit more like myself…my true self, I believe, that really loves the Lord and believes in walking with Him daily and striving to glorify Him with every aspect of my life.

I have felt so much confusion over knowing in my heart that the Lord did lead me to and empower through the whole experience, to write my book and yet knowing that He doesn’t want me to be alienated from Him and to be immersed in sin. So I have continued to wonder, “What the heck is going on?!” Surely, He wouldn’t lead me to do something that would cause me to become so unhinged, right? Well, a dear missionary sister had a startling response to that question that makes a certain kind of sense. She said she didn’t agree with that thinking. She said that she has watched the Lord working in my life during the entire 7 years she has known me and that the Lord knows the things that need to come out of me before I can be in the place to serve in the ministry He has called me to. So was it about a purging? Another lesson of never allowing oneself to think they have arrived spiritually? Not that I thought I did…. I just thought that the Lord had worked a larger healing in me than He apparently had. Another dear sister suggested that like so many other of my life experiences, there would be others that would experience forms of the same things that would be relieved to hear about my struggles. My reply is that I wish I didn’t have to have so many failures so that I could be an encouragement to others!!!

I am pleased to report that the affair and the pot smoking were ended within 6 months of them starting. However, I have continued to struggle with drinking and fornication. I am getting back to church but still experiencing struggles with prayer. I have serious trust issues with the Lord due to my background, both as an abuse survivor and as a former cult member. But I love the Lord, I mean, passionately…and I want to give Him everything…holding nothing back. And regardless of my past and my present, He has never allowed that passion to diminish. I would like to think it is because He is going to allow that passion at least some partial fulfillment.
I have a heart that hungers to minister to women that have survived childhood abuse and sexual abuse in particular. But I feel so unworthy to be in any sort of ministry until I get my life in order, at the very least, not practicing sin. I loathe hypocrisy and want nothing to do with it. So, I share my ugliness with you and ask for your prayers that I continue to draw closer to the Lord so that I can feel a freedom to share His undeniable love….no, His passion for intimacy of heart with you. That is so hard for us to believe when we have been given the message while developing as human beings, that we are worthless, objects for someone else’s perverse, sick desires. But those messages are lies, straight from the very heart of our enemy, the Devil, I believe, with the real purpose being to alienate us from the source of the true love we crave, the love of our Heavenly Father.
That has always seemed to me to be the most demonic thing about all abuse and sexual abuse in particular….it directly damages our relationship with and trust in God.

I know as sure as I am writing to you, that no matter how long I live, I will have struggles in my belief of His love for me, in my worthiness to be loved by Him and difficulty in accepting my Lord’s precious, perfect, grace.

I have an awareness I write, that my heart feels an awakening of spirit and a rightness to share with you despite my very real humiliation in doing so. I pray that somehow He uses these words to encourage you, being fully aware that if you get anything of value out of my sharing, it is the power of God and my own ability.

I have a love for you and for your beautiful hearts and painful struggles that I cannot fully express here. Please know that despite my total lack of communication, you have never completely left my heart and I feel that the Lord is going to give me the ability to stay in the place that will enable me to remain connected with you once more. May you rest in the knowledge that NO MATTER how awful and confusing things may seem, He is always working His plan in us…and He NEVER abandons us. That is His promise in His Word that we can cling to as our anchor when being tossed about in this tough and brutal thing called life.