IT IS FINISHED!!!

No blasphemy intended.....

IT IS FINISHED!!!

3 months and 8 days after I began the Lord's assignment, I am pleased to tell you that the book, "He Showed Me Why" is completed! Thank you for your support and encouragement. I couldn't have done it without all of you!

In The Home Stretch.....

There have been times the writing of my book has felt like it was taking chunks out of my heart, well, most of the time actually. The pain of describing one year after another after another, full of my mistakes and bad choices has been the hardest and most humiliating thing I have ever done. After writing for almost 3 months and still having more mistakes and dysfunctional behavior to write about, much like a marathon runner on the last leg of her race, I was feeling like I couldn’t take another step.

However, the Lord gave me new focus and with it, much like the body of an athlete when she sees the finish line ahead, I too felt that final burst of energy. I wrote 8900 words over an 8 hour period yesterday and am now at the year 2000 in my life story.

I’ve made a commitment to write about one year, every day for the next week until I am finished. So at the very most I have 8 writing days left although I think the Lord may have me end it before reaching 2008

I have decided to put everything else on hold to accomplish this goal which includes communications with family and friends by phone or email. The opposition from the enemy has been increasing with every day and I am fully aware it is because I am close to finishing and Satan doesn’t want my story to be told. My life is a strong testimony to God’s faithfulness and eventual victory which also means it paints a clear picture of the enemy’s defeat . He wants to have as many people as possible feeling hopeless and believing that God doesn’t love or want them. My story makes it very clear that those feelings and beliefs are from the heart of Satan and have no truth in them.

I am so thankful for the encouragement, love, support and prayers you have given and are giving to me for I am absolutely certain I could not have made it to this point without you. Please continue to cover me in prayer as I don’t expect this next week to be without trials. You are all in my prayers daily and I can’t wait to tell you I have finished the race in victory.

In The Thick of It!!!

As you know, I do not like to use this blog as a personal page but in this case, since you know I am working on an assignment I believe the Lord personally gave me, I want to keep you apprised of my progress.

You know I have been writing my autobiography entitled “He Showed Me Why.” I have always tried to learn from my mistakes and know the only way I can successfully complete this task is to completely submerse it in the Holy Spirit, asking my “Daddy” on a daily basis for the strength to accomplish it.

I begin my days spending time in the Word, then in singing praise and worship songs and finally approaching the throne with all my concerns about beginning to write, asking for His anointing on every memory and every word. Since the first day until now, even though I am reliving every painful, ugly, traumatic event in my entire life, I have not smoked one cigarette or had one drink and I have lost 14 pounds! This is despite the fact that many writing sessions have ended in gut wrenching tears yet it is since I began writing that I have attained healthiness on all levels like I have never had before. I am even walking 1.3 miles a day; well, if I’m going to be literal, 1.3 miles a night, usually sometime around midnight. For you worriers out there, my neighborhood becomes amazingly quiet around 10pm and most of the time I don’t see a single car during my entire walk. The nighttime temperatures run between 60 and 70 degrees, the stars are twinkling overhead and I either talk to the Lord or don’t think about anything at all which either way is peaceful and soothing to my heart. There is a small playground about 2/3 of the way through my walk and most nights, I stop and swing on one of the swings for 5 or 10 minutes and get to feel like a little girl again. All in all, these nighttime constitutionals are the highlight of my days and I wouldn’t trade anything for them.

So here I am, on the eve of July 12, 2008 and I am pleased to report that I have written 191 pages with 7 chapters remaining. I believe I can finish this task by the end of this month but when I say I am writing a book, I do not mean it in any kind of traditionally glamorous way. I know I have already said this but it bears repeating. This is the most bloody, grueling, agonizing and intense thing I have done in many years, maybe ever and I beg you to cover me in prayer asking the Father to protect my heart from the brutal reliving of my life that I am being forced to do. Request that He anoint every word and memory so that it works towards my continued healing and hopefully, in the end, will minister to others as well.

I have a few people that are supporting me on several different levels (you know who you are) and I just want to take a moment to say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have no doubt whatsoever that I could not do this without you. My daily prayer for you is that the Lord blesses you for your faithful love and support of me during this difficult journey.” To the rest of my dear friends, I want to thank you for sticking by me as continuing changes occur in my life and for encouraging me in this most challenging God-given endeavor.

The Need to Keep it Straight........

During my devotions today, a few verses really hit home for me especially as I write my story. The title of my book is, “He Showed Me Why” and the reason for that is because of all the years I spent angry at God because of all the painful things I had gone through. Even though my head knows He never causes anything bad to happen to me and He only wants what is best for me, typically my first response during times of testing is to blame Him for it, to ask Him, “Why?!” Because of writing my testimony and reliving painful things I have gone through, I was strongly impacted by the words I read in Malachi 3:17 New King James Bible. "You have wearied the Lord with your words; Yet you say, ‘In what way have we wearied Him?’ In that you say….Where is the God of justice?” and then chapter 4:13-15 which says, “Your words have been harsh against Me, Says the Lord, Yet you say, ‘What have we spoken against You?’ You have said ‘It is useless to serve God; what profit is it that we have kept His ordinance…….For those who do wickedness are raised up.’”

How often my emotions have mirrored those words. I live in Satan’s world which is set up to glorify and give success to the wicked while it beats down and mocks the righteous. Yet I still blame my “Daddy” when bad things happen in my life. When I read that I “weary the Lord” and even worse, “speak harshly against the Lord” when I allow myself to feel that way, it really grieved my heart and makes me want to have a heightened awareness to blame the right person when I am tested and hurting. I need to keep straight who is my enemy and who is always on my side and not let the devil succeed in making me think the unrighteous are the ones who have it made in this life.

Reading and meditating on verse 16 and 17 of the same 4th chapter in Malachi can help keep the right focus and attitude. It says, “So a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the Lord and who meditate on His name. ‘They shall be Mine,’ says the Lord of hosts, ‘On the day that I make them My jewels. And I will spare them as a man spares his own son who serves him.’ Then you shall again discern between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve Him.” I need to keep my eyes on Him and also, the reward He will bestow on His faithful servants instead of desiring the success and empty happiness given to those on the side of this world and its ruler. If I can do that, all of this darkness, pain, disappointment, confusion and injustice that I feel at times, will all be erased and made right.

This promise given to me as well as to you should be our strength. Hebrews 6:10,11,19 says, “For God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name….And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end…..This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast.” During the storms, let us never lose our anchor and may we walk in victory with Him.

It Will Be Accomplished.....

“As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:10, 11 NIV

During my devotional time on Tuesday, the Lord gave me this scripture and while it is one that is very well known in the Christian community, I am amazed at how easily I can forget it or fail to really grasp the enormity of its meaning. There are times throughout the years that I have heard the Lord speak something into my life that has meaning far beyond the day that I heard it and yet I am amazed at my inability to retain those promises the moment that things start to go wrong. Well, a few mornings ago, He reminded me that He has been telling me for years, He wants to use the things that I have been though and that He has done in my life during those dark times as a means to give hope to others that are hurting and afraid. It was many years ago that I received that message for the first time and there have been many periods of despair since then that caused me to forget and yet I now find myself seeing that “word” from the Lord coming true in a very unique way.

As I already mentioned previously in an email to most of you, I have begun to write my autobiography and the Lord has blessed me to write two chapters in five days. I know that I cannot do this endeavor without His help because it entails reliving many painful memories before getting to the “happy ending”. But He is faithful and has provided all that I have needed to do this project so far, which I believe, is a part of His word spoken years ago over me and is now, starting to return back to Him with results. I just felt that He wanted me to remind you that He also has a plan for your life and if you search Him, He will reveal it to you. You can be confident that His will for you, while possibly encompassing things that will stretch you to new lengths, will also have much joy, goodness and peace in store. And His will for your life cannot be diverted by the enemy, no matter how sure you are that the Lord has forgotten you. The next time it rains, be reminded of Isaiah 55. Our “Daddy” only wants the very best for us and in the end, His desires will be accomplished and His purposes will be achieved.

Dumb as an Ox!

Since my last entry much has transpired that has had me feeling down and discouraged. I am sorry for not writing for so long. I continue to be amazed at how difficult it is to be consistent in writing. I am just going to continue to try, know that I’ll eventually get there with His help.

I really struggled to find a scripture that touched me in that, “this is what I want you to write about” kind of way. But finally, Daddy showed me this one that really touched my heart during this season of my life. I was reading The Message in the Psalms and this is what I wanted to share.

Psalms 73: 21-24: “When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in your very presence. I’m still in your presence, but you’ve taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.” The word beleaguer is defined as harassed or besieged, which are two emotions that I have felt over the last month and a half but I have also struggled with a kind of enviousness too.

When life is so difficult, especially when it seems impossible to keep my walk with my Daddy where I want it, it is hard not to look at others and feel envy or disappointment. In my head I know that I probably don’t have a good beat on what their life is really like but on the outside they certainly seem to have it all together. Yet for me, there are times when everything good is a struggle for me and I wonder if that is going to be the theme of my life. I get tired of feeling like such a disappointment to my Father, you know? This may sound weird, but part of my fleshly child’s heart wants to be His “favorite”….does that make sense to you or am I just strange?
I want Him to be proud of me, of my life and of my devotion to Him.

But when it comes down to it, often times I feel just like an “ignorant, dumb ox” instead and while standing in His presence! I have always had a deep awareness of His eyes being on me and the fact that He does not miss anything that I do or don’t do. And yet as the scriptures say, “You’ve taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.” You know, that picture of the ox seems perfect because its complete lack of intelligence is so apparent! I see the need to hit it over the head with a stick to get its attention, you know? (I am not supporting animal abuse here.) And boy, sometimes I think that’s the only thing that will get my attention and get me back on track…..but He never resorts to that. He always leads me away from the path I am on by His overwhelming love and tenderness.

And then how does the verse conclude? “and then you will bless me.” Wow! Not only does He not berate me or smack me around, so to speak, but he is tender in His instruction and guidance and when all is said and done, then He blesses me as well. Not something that I would think to do for an ignorant, dumb ox! So let us join in praising Him today for all the ways that He continues to be our ultimate, loving and forgiving Daddy!

I Am Five Years Old Today!!!!

There is no way that I could not write on this very special day! Today is my spiritual birthday….my fifth year in the Lord. And while to some, it may seem that this entry is about me….it is not. This entry is about my wonderful, awesome and loving DADDY! He alone can receive the credit for the miracle of my knowing Him in absolute truth. You see, I really did love Him all my life…I fell in love with Him when I was six…but loving Him wasn’t enough….He is the author of truth and as the scriptures say…those who love Him, must love Him in spirit and truth. How can I tell Him how very thankful that I am for what He has done in me…in my life and in my relationship with Him? What came to my mind was to praise Him for the miracle of me! There are so very many reasons that I should not have the heart to love Him like I do…….and believe me, it is not because I am some wonderful person…it is because He has kept me in the palm of His hand thru the darkest hours, days, months and yes, even years. He NEVER, NEVER, NEVER left me, forgot me or quit believing in me! How amazing is that? VERY amazing! And so here I am, 5 years after coming to know Him like I never had before…and He has been so very faithful….I have had some of the most wonderful, deep and miraculous experiences in my life over these past 5 years. You know, I can assure you….if….when….you search for Him…He will always let Himself be found! That you can count on!

So as you read this…..don’t think about me……but about my most loving and patient Daddy and the miracle of Him that He began in me 5 years ago today.

OUR SAVIOR LIVES!!!

“Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, ‘I have seen the Lord!’”
John 20:18
It bears remembering that not only is the death of our Lord crucial for our salvation but His resurrection as well. He conquered death and the grave so that we might never have to live in fear of either. As this Easter day comes to a close, let us rejoice in the amazing gift that our Lord and King has given us and let us keep remembering throughout the days, weeks and months to come.
HE HAS RISEN! HE HAS RISEN INDEED!!!

The Ultimate Gift......

“When Jesus had tasted it, he said, ‘It is finished!’ Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” John 19:30

What more can be added to those words….to their meaning…..

As you go about this day….remember…..all that He did…

all that He endured……the agony that He suffered at the hands of
an insane crowd……God in the flesh allowing Himself to be murdered by puny man….He did it all for you….He did it all for me.

He died for us………How can we not live for Him?

Hosanna on the Highest!!!

As I sit here, writing again for the first time in over 2 ½ months, I am overwhelmed by the abundant love and mercy of my heavenly Father, my Daddy. Though I have been struggling with depression over the last several months and have not maintained my walk in all the ways that I believe in…..I forced myself to go to church this morning and received nothing but blessings in the form of His love and grace. I didn’t even think about this being Palm Sunday but I am blessed to be in a church that loves to rejoice in our Lord!
My pastor is preaching verse by verse in Romans, which is my favorite book of the Bible because of the very strong message of grace that it holds. I am always so hard on myself when I am not doing all the things that not only do I believe I should do but desire to do…and yet, even when I am not measuring up to my standards of spirituality, which obviously fall very far short of His standards…..He does nothing but love on me! I am so humbled by His unconditional love for me…by Him taking me in His arms and holding me against His chest when I am so unlovable and muddy from my sinful nature. He sees me as perfect! Pure! White as snow! How inconceivable is that? I just can’t wrap my mind or heart around that!

You know sometimes when I go to write after intense prayer….I don’t always have a beat on which way He wants me to go. Yet today, I opened my Bible and there it was after turning just a couple of pages. And on top of it, it directly correlates with the sermon that I just took in this morning. He is just so very cool!
So, I will share with you….His heart for me, for you, for all of us…and this is His heart when we are so lacking in ourselves and so undeserving…

I am reading from the NIV version in Micah 7:19: “You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” And beside that I had written a notation to look up Colossians 1:13, 14 which says, “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

I think that the main thing that He has reminded me of today, which He wants me to share, is the message above. He wants us to remember that there is nothing that can change His overabundant love for us, His bountiful grace that He pours over us constantly and no circumstance that could ever make us unable to approach our Daddy and crawl up in His lap and receive the comfort and warmth that we need.

So how appropriate that He give me these much needed reminders on a day such as today. Palm Sunday, the day to lay my clothes to cover the ground before Him and rejoice in the very Person of Jesus Christ and praise Him for the sacrifice that He has made for me, the sacrifice that makes this broken little girl, whole.

Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!

A Father's Extravagant Love.....

I must be getting old because there were a couple of other things that the Lord laid on my heart over the last month and for the life of me, I cannot access them and He is not bringing them to mind. So I just prayed and began reading in the Word, asking Him what He wants me to share. After reading in several different books, I found myself in Ephesians, began to read chapter 5 and ZAP! The first two verses were it! I was reading in The Message and this is what it says:

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”

Now is that a wonderful verse or what?! I was so touched by the description of how he loves us. I mean, isn’t it so true? “Mostly what God does is love you.” Well, the only word in that sentence I might change, which would be ok since it is a paraphrase BibleJ, is the “Mostly”. As I think about it, there is nothing that the Lord has done in my 42 years of living that has not been a reflection of His love for me. Like any truly loving parent, He has ALLOWED bad things to happen in my life because of lessons that I needed to learn. And because of this depraved world and the enemy himself, I have had some very bad, very hurtful things done to me. Yet, in His amazing love, He uses His power to turn even the worst events into things that have benefited me and actually made me a better person than if they had never happened. Now THAT is amazing love.

Then if you read further in the verse it says that Christ’s love for us is extravagant! I looked up that word and it was defined as, “excessive or unduly lavish” and unduly means “unsuitable”. There is no doubt that without His amazing grace it would be very unsuitable for this awesome God to love someone like me and even more, in an extravagant way! Then it concludes by saying “He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us.” (Italics mine) In a world that is so “me” oriented and selfish, it is hard to wrap my mind around the concept of someone giving of themselves with no hope of getting anything in return, even the pleasure of giving. But then you add to that concept, Almighty God of the entire Universe, One that has an unending amount to give and HE gives EVERYTHING of Himself to us!!!! WOW! How very humbling and thought provoking for this very undeserving woman to dwell on.

Being the economical God that He is, I am amazed by the fact that in a verse that so completely and beautifully conveys His amazing love for us, we also find advice on how to live our lives as well or maybe I should say… how to live our lives well. And interestingly enough, there are not a lot of instructions…..just, “Watch what God does”, “keep company with him and learn a life of love.” and “Love like that.” I can’t think of a much larger challenge than trying to love like God but it is one worth accepting, especially in a world that has grown so cold and devoid of warmth and human emotion. The next time that you are having a bad day or feeling blue, try reaching out to a stranger with a sincere, kind word and just see if the sun doesn’t seem just a little bit brighter and your step a little bit lighter.

To Accept or Reject...........My Choice

While this Christmas season was a blessed time for me, I have to admit that I am glad to be getting back into life’s regular routine again. I have missed sharing with you and my Father has laid several things on my heart over the last few weeks that I will share with you, one at a time.

Today I wanted to share what He laid on my heart over a month ago.

I was pondering the scripture in Matthew 23:37 where Jesus spoke to the city, Jerusalem and said, “How often I’ve ached to embrace your children, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn’t let me.” as written in The Message. We all know that when He spoke of Jerusalem’s children, He was referring to His people Israel. I have heard quite a few sermons that make reference to this scripture but always in the literal context of Jesus speaking to Israel. Yet, as I reflected on this verse as one of His modern day children, He “spoke” to me and said, “You do the same thing to Me. When you are hurting and afraid due to situations or circumstances, in your fear you do not always turn to Me and allow Me to comfort you and reassure you that I am here and I will take care of things if you let Me.” Then I thought about another reference that the Bible makes about Him weeping over Jerusalem because of her rejection of Him and His love and I wondered just how many times He has wept over me and my rejection of His love for me.

Coming from a background of abuse makes it very hard for me to believe, much more, accept His love for me. And that is without the whisperings from Satan in my ear that He doesn’t care about me or my trials. But I think that even someone not coming from abuse would find it hard to embrace His love all the time, especially in the dark valleys of fear or condemnation from the enemy.

So I just felt that He wanted me to say that He is always here for you and for me. That He NEVER wants us to try and cope or handle things all by ourselves. There is not a single tiny little aspect of our lives that are not important to Him. He cares about ALL of it. Anything important to us is important to Him. So I hope and pray that the next time that you are hit with something out of left field and you begin to feel afraid or confused, that you will remember what He reminded me of………He is waiting to gather you in His arms and give you the exact thing you need at that moment for that situation. Remember…..He loves you no matter what!!