A letter to you...

Dear Ones,

I normally will not use this blog to write about personal events but something happened last week that once again drives home the point that we do not know how fleeting and fragile our existence here is.

I received a phone message from Neil on the 6th telling me that his oldest son Matthew, along with Lauren, his wife were in a very serious car accident the day before and that both of their backs were broken. The prognosis for Lauren was good and she was going to have surgery within 24 hours but the prognosis for Matthew was not good and he was not even stable enough to go thru surgery. Neil was in South Africa on a two week missions trip when he received the news. I cannot begin to describe all the feelings that I experienced as I listened to his message. Within two hours time and after many phone calls, there were 6 churches in 4 different states praying for Matthew, Lauren, Neil and the rest of the family. There was prayer for their survival and that there would be no paralysis. There was prayer for the salvation of Matthew, Lauren and Lauren’s family. There was prayer that Neil would be able to get home safely and quickly despite the fact that all of his return flights would have to be on standby. There was prayer that Neil would be held up and strengthened by those around him and that he would have a peace that could only come from the Lord.

Well, you know, God is even more faithful than we can fathom at times. It turns out that the accident was caused by Matthew having a seizure (even though he has no history of seizures). Lauren’s quick thinking caused her to unbuckle her seat belt, grab the wheel and reach down with her hand to hit the brakes. I do not have all the numbers exact but basically this is what I know. They apparently flew over a 20 to 30 foot embankment which caused them to hit the ground so hard that even though they did not hit anything or roll the vehicle, the SUV was demolished, both their backs were broken and they had to use the jaws of life to get them out. Miraculously, the vehicle stopped 20 feet shy of a 200 to 300 foot drop that obviously would have killed them had they gone over. Without writing all that I obviously could to cover the last week and a day, these are the high points. Lauren’s surgery was a complete success, she is expected to have a 100% recovery and was released from the hospital day before yesterday! Matthew’s surgery was a complete success, is expected to have a 100% recovery and went home today! The doctor had to operate on Matthew’s spine thru his stomach and his back because of old injuries from another severe accident 10 years ago.
When he went in, he said that the damage was much more severe than the x-rays or MRI showed and that there is no medical reason whatsoever that Matthew is not paralyzed! When he removed a 3 centimeter piece of bone from Matthew’s spine, the nerve machine that he was hooked up to went crazy with all the nerve activity that started! Apparently with an injury like that, the nerves that are damaged require time to begin working again and yet the doctor said that they “changed right before his eyes” once the bone was removed. It is the consensus that he was eye witness to a miracle from the very hand of God! It is also noteworthy that Neil caught every standby flight on the way home which is nothing short of a miracle because of how overbooked flights are right now.

After driving 18 hours with just a 2 hour nap, I got to Southern California about 5 hours after Neil got home. There is no doubt that God was watching over this accident….answering prayers that had not even been prayed yet.
Matthew does not always wear his seatbelt…but he had it on. Lauren’s quick thinking stopped them short of a drop off that would have killed them both. Neither one of them is paralyzed and will have a 100% recovery. And they are both out of the hospital and walking 1 week and 2 days after the accident!!! How wondrous and marvelous is our God! It has been faith strengthening to me to see that even before we knew to pray and ask, He was answering prayers. That to me is amazing. To see His fingerprints all over what could have been so much more of a tragedy is just awe inspiring to me. The nurses talked about what a miracle it is that both of them had their backs broken and neither one of them is paralyzed. Actually, the “m” word has been spoken a lot over the last week.

I want to thank all of you that have been holding us up in prayer over the last 8 days. Thank you for your faithfulness and loyalty as a family in standing by us in the most powerful of ways. If anyone reading this is in a place today where it may be hard to believe that our Father is listening or cares about you and your life, let this be an encouragement to you. Not only is He passionate about His love for us, faithful in caring for us, loyal in never leaving us but He is answering prayers before they are even uttered. He loves all of us as His children and is mighty, powerful and able to save and He does!

In closing, there are emotional side affects from a traumatic event like this that have to be addressed. I ask for your prayers that I will be a vessel of the Lord during this time of great upheaval and adjustment. Please pray for traveling mercies as I return home at the end of the month. I also ask that you continue to pray for the salvation of these dear ones, that this heart wrenching event will be turned around for the good of all those involved, and that all may come to know Him as the tender, loving Daddy that He is.

In His Mercy and Grace,
Your servant, Beryl

ps: I am not sure how writing is going to work out since I do not have constant access to a computer but if nothing else, I will resume a regular schedule around the 3rd or 4th of October. Thank you for your continued understanding and support.

Tired and dirty but still swinging.....

I am going through some hard trials right now. And to be honest, these trials are causing me to feel a lot of pain and fear. As I sit here to write, begging my “Daddy” to give me His words, I feel so inadequate. And He knows that I don’t want to write just for the sake of writing but it also has been 5 days since my last entry and I promised Him that I would not be distracted from writing these entries anymore. So I want to be faithful to His leading and yet wonder how I could possibly be used by Him when I feel so empty. This is not a “feel sorry for Beryl” entry, I just wanted to be transparent with you and let you know that this broken vessel wanting to be used by the Lord…..often times does not have it all together. I am out here struggling and trying to lead a spiritually victorious life just like you are and sometimes that is really tough to do.

It is important to me that you know that you are in my heart and in my prayers daily and I am strengthened in the knowledge that I am not on the battlefield alone. Thank you for the encouragement that you are to me and for all the ways that Daddy uses you to build me up. Never doubt your value, first, in His eyes and secondly, in mine and the spiritual family that we are. For me, scriptures that offer words of hope are really needed right now and it is my prayer that they encourage you too.

From The Message, John 16:21-23: “When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there’s no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you’ll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You’ll no longer be so full of questions.”

The NIV (New International Version), Psalm 55:16 -18: “But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.”

The NIV, Psalm 140:7: “O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle – “

The Message, Psalm 143:7 and 144:1, 2: “Hurry with your answer, GOD! I’m nearly at the end of my rope. Don’t turn away; don’t ignore me! That would be certain death.” “Blessed be GOD, my mountain, who trains me to fight fair and well. He’s the bedrock on which I stand, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight, the high crag where I run for dear life, while he lays my enemies low.”

The Message, Psalm 145: 18, 19: “GOD’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it. He does what’s best for those who fear him – hears them call out, and saves them.”

So the bottom line is that despite all the lies that the enemy tries to whisper in my ear, despite all the fears and pain of this little girls heart, He is not surprised by the events that have transpired and He will not only provide for my needs and bring comfort to my heart but if I rely on Him, I will be filled with His joy as well. That is what my prayer is for you when you are feeling worn out on the battlefield of life….let Him be your “rescuing knight” and your shield….you will surely be victorious if you do!

Filling The Holes in My Trust.....

Psalms in an amazing book full of human emotions. David was so in love with God and yet so human! I find that so encouraging as one that is so utterly human herself. So let me bounce around a little and share some insight into David’s heart. All of these quotes are from “The Message”.

Psalm 119:25: “I’m feeling terrible-I couldn’t feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?” I can almost see a little boy crossing his arms over his chest and stomping his feet.
Of course, I have ever done that before!

Psalm 119:81, 82: “I’m homesick-longing for your salvation; I’m waiting for your word of hope. My eyes grow heavy watching for some sign of your promise; how long must I wait for your comfort?”

Psalm 119:107: “Everything’s falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your Word.”

Psalm 119:153, 154: “Take a good look at my trouble, and help me……..Take my side and get me out of this; give me back my life, just as you promised.”

Psalm 119:170: “Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise.”

Along with the obvious pain and desperation that David expresses in all of these verses, I found it interesting that in four of the five verses, David claims his Father’s promises. It is so clear to me that despite the fears, pain, hopelessness and even doubt that David struggled with, bottom line was that he believed in his Father’s promises to him.

As I have stated many times, coming from abuse has made trust or in other words, faith, much more of a problem for me than for the average Christian struggling with lack of faith. I was actually taught that my Daddy could not be trusted, that to trust him was a horrible, painful mistake. I was taught that lesson over and over again for quite a few years. And it only makes sense that if my earthly Father that I could see, could not be trusted, then I certainly could not trust my heavenly Father that I could not see! Right? Not so, but that is the connection that was made in my little girl’s heart when I was being abused. In my opinion, the most demonic thing about my abuse was the fear and mistrust of my heavenly Daddy’s love for me that it instilled in my very core. So I am not going to focus on telling you that you need to trust God when you are hurting or fearful.

I do want to share my belief that it is my absolute certainty that the Bible IS the inspired Word of my heavenly Father to me that has played a big part in my being the person I am today despite all the horrible and painful things that I have gone through. So when I cannot believe in His real love for me, in His taking care of me, I can read scripture and know that despite my feelings at the time, they reveal the truth about His reliability and trustworthiness. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about.

In Psalm 124:6 it reads, “Oh, blessed be God! He didn’t go off and leave us. He didn’t abandon us defenseless, helpless as a rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs.” But it sure feels like that is exactly what He did when I was abused! At least to my little girl’s heart! However, if the Bible is my anchor then I can rest assured that He was there and I was protected by Him in ways that I just couldn’t see or understand at the time or maybe even now. That is the difference in allowing my feelings to determine what truth is instead of letting His word determine it. There are two scriptures sited below. Ask Him to use His word to start rebuilding the foundation of belief in His love for you, his beautiful little girl.

Psalm 118:13, 14: “I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall, when God grabbed and held me. God’s my strength, he’s also my song, and now he’s my salvation.

Psalm 116:1, 2, 5 & 6: “I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy. God is gracious-it is he who makes things right, our most compassionate God. God takes the side of the helpless, when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.”

His Delight........

I have to confess that I sit here afraid that I am being stupid writing these things. I don’t want to talk just for the sake of hearing myself speak, you know what I mean? I sit here begging my Father to anoint these words so that they are a blessing to you.

I sat down to read in the Bible, turned to the book of Isaiah and when I got to these verses, I actually cried as pictures came to me when I read the words. I want to share those pictures with you.

I really enjoy The Message, partially because the writing is so direct and also because it is so visual. What I believe He led me to is Isaiah 62:2-4 and while I realize that He is speaking specifically to Israel, we are also His children because of the precious blood of Christ and I believe that this is His heart for US too.

“You’ll get a brand new name straight from the mouth of God. You’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of God’s hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God. No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your country will no more be called Ruined. You’ll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), because God delights in you….”

To think that He loves me so much that He will personally name me….

To read that I could be a stunning crown, a jeweled gold cup held high in His hand……I see this amazing, awesome, regal King taking me by the hand and bringing me into His royal throne room to present me as one that He is proud of, that He adores so much, to all who would see.

“Delight” is such a wonderful word! The picture it gives me is a father lifting his little girl up and spinning her around with such overflowing and enthusiastic love for her and she is laughing with abandon, throwing her arms up in the air, feeling no fear because she knows how much he loves her and she knows that she is safe in his hands.

The words “rejected” and “ruined” struck a cord deep in my heart as I read them because they have been my close companions during a large portion of my life and still attempt to return from time to time. But their power is lessened when I read verses such as these that so vividly paint a picture of how He REALLY feels about me. Taking just a few minutes out of the day to be in the Word can change my whole outlook on the world and yes, even Him. For me…. tonight….these verses are like standing under a waterfall of His love....it exhilarates and enlivens my heart after being bowed down all day and it refreshes me after hearing the scorching heat of the enemy’s whispers in my ear. I pray that it is that for you as well and that you can know with assurance, His delight in you and love for you today.

Lessons Learned......

So much has gone on in my life since my last entry over 2 ½ months ago, but I am not going to take up your time reviewing it. What I will share is some highlights of what I have learned.

(1) When Daddy gives me an assignment, I need to make sure that I don’t allow anything, and I mean, ANYTHING, to get in the way. Here is the trap: There are a lot of good, honorable things out there that can take me away from where He really wants me and once He makes His will clear to me, there is nothing as empty, exhausting or frustrating as getting away from that will.
(2) It is crucial to I keep myself surrounded by other strong women of faith that can cover me and this ministry in prayer when I cannot do it for myself. It can be so hard to ask for help but that has aided me in a more powerful way than anything else to start getting back into His will.
(3) Finally, that despite all the miraculous and wondrous ways that He has provided for me in the past, it is so easy for me to give in to fear and discouragement in the face of adversity. But here is the most amazing thing…..that instead of getting irritated with me and chewing me out for doubting, He used another ministry to send me a reminder by way of email and here was the very short but powerful message:

“The Spirit of God whispers this reminder to you: ‘I
have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold,
I will heal you.’ Jeremiah 30:17”

That came on a day when I was really struggling and very afraid and I was so humbled by His huge love and understanding of my humanness. And that is my real Daddy, not the harsh, demanding, abusive man that I grew up with. It is so easy to mix the two up in my heart and that is what the enemy wants. I am also amazed at how programmed I am to completely withhold grace from myself, to beat myself up if I am not doing everything exactly the way that I should…and when I am feeling like such a failure, feeling so very lost……He whispers words of love and tenderness into my heart.

I pray that those words minister to your heart…for they are for you too. He promises me and promises you that He hears us, sees us and WILL bring healing to us. Let those truths be your anchor today.