*SIGH* It REALLY is a journey made up of baby steps.

There is something I need to explain before I go any further. I don't have a home computer right now which means I have no way to do blog entries from there. So, here I sit at work at 5:00 writing to you. I have clocked out to be a good steward of course. Also, I really think visuals are important but I was looking at pictures of crosses for an entry over a month ago and got a virus on my computer at work. They were NOT happy with me so now I can only use the very few pics that are in Microsoft Office, ugh! Sorry, but this is the best I can do for now. That being said.......

Sometimes I really am not sure that I have anything worth while to share. I feel the Lord reminded me today that He uses my willingness to be transparent with my struggles as a way to help you feel better about yours. Sometimes it is just good to know we are not alone in our cycles or behaviors, at least that is what some of you have expressed to me. So I wanted to tell you where I am in my journey these days.

I have made mention of making the horribly dysfunctional decision to be in a relationship off and on for 2 years that has been my most unhealthy in many years. He wasn't a bad man, just a very broken man and we brought out the worst in each other as co-dependent people will. He has been gone now for a month or so and I am working to pull myself back together and get back on the right track again. It is amazing to me that after all the work I have done to pursue healing that I could fall so badly. But that is the point of this entry. When we come from abuse, the journey to healing never ends, well, in my opinion anyway. We work, we learn, we grow and we........fall. The point though is NOT TO GIVE UP! I could just sit around and kick the crap out of myself...you know..."Beryl! What kind of a moron are you?! How could you go backwards so far? What an idiot you are!!" But those words are words of condemnation and that doesn't come from the Lord. He convicts but never condemns. I could wallow or I could pick myself up, dust myself off and say, "Ok, I am going to learn from this and I am going to move forward and get back on track."

So that is where I am. Almost every night I am taking 2 to 3 hours and cleaning out and organizing some part of my house. I am blessed with a beautiful and rather large home so there is much to do in reclaiming my "pink cloud" but it is happening a little bit at a time. And that is the way everything works.....one step at a time. We just can't quit! No matter how many times we fall. Even if sometimes it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps backwards. We have to keep taking the steps and the Lord will bless the effort. Trust me.....I know.

                 "COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO ARE WEARY AND BURDENED,
                      AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST."      MATTHEW 11: 13

After the storm...

Well, it is nice to see a break in the storm clouds after almost 2 years......FINALLY!!! I got promoted last week to a position I have been asking for, for quite a while. It also means a raise and once I pass training.....an even larger raise. Big enough that I can afford to live alone in my beautiful home without needing a roommate! That has been a dream of mine for several years and it looks like the Lord is granting that wish. Also, there have been quite a few things wrong with my car for a while and quite a few are safety issues. At the insistence of one of my dearest friends, I finally went to 2 garages to get quotes and the best quote was over $1200! Well, I certainly don't have that! Then this same friend volunteered to pay for all of it! Can you believe that? God is so good and I am sooooooo blessed to have the caliber of friends that I do. Reminds me of a quote from the movie, It's A Wonderful Life: "No man (or woman) is a failure that has friends." I often feel like a failure because of my financial situation and then I read that on my refrigerator and realize the truth of it. I DO have several, not just one or two, but several really wonderful, loyal, supportive friends. How blessed I am! So things are getting much better. Promotion, raise, toxic person completely removed from my life, healthy people in my life, continuing to sell my book, one book at a time......life is starting to feel good again! The Lord really only lets us get hit with what we can stand and never lets us stay in the storm.....if we just hang in there, there is always a rainbow!

When Lord? When?

I don't know about you but sometimes it feels like there is nothing around me but tests and trials! My head knows better. There are good things happening in my life: I found out today that I have sold 20 books. I know.....it's not much but it is a start. I am in the process of eliminating a horribly toxic, destructive person out of my life. No small feat either....I have had to do really tough and even scary things to accomplish it but I want to be healthy dang it! I hate it when I look at a choice I have made and see so clearly that it came from my wounding as a child instead of the God-given wisdom of the adult woman....UGH! But, the important thing is to pick myself back up, learn and try to never make that mistake again. The Lord has brought some new and wonderful friends into my life that are affirming, supportive and loving. Just what my beat up heart needs after this toxic person.

All of that being said......recently, the tests and trials seem to far outweigh the good. I am not going to list them all...not even one because I want to somehow try and be used by God to minister to you. I guess I just want you to know that even in the midst of victory, ie: self-publishing my book (wow, no small accomplishment!) removing a clinging, dysfunctional influence from my world, continuing to get up in the morning and go to work when all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep....despite the victories........for the most part lately....my heart has been crying out to the Lord. "Lord! Please! I need a break...I can't take much more...I am sooo tired. When am I going to get a break Lord? When?" 

I think the blessings that I do recognise are part of the answer though. Glimmers of light...moments of being able to catch my breath.....truths being spoken into me about my real value, just when I need it most. These give me what I need to put one foot in front of the other for another day or maybe, hour or maybe just through the next minute. Truth is, we are not promised anywhere that fighting to live for the Lord in the midst of Satan's world is going to be easy. I know, you've heard that many times. Me too. Do you know why? Because it is so true and so easy to forget. BUT, the promise we DO have from the Sovereign of the universe Who is also our Daddy is that ......

       "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Short and to the point but take a moment and don't think about anything else that is going on in your life or around you. FOCUS on those 10 words. While you mull over the simple truth they contain, look at the picture of water lilies, serenely floating on the top of the water. Just "be" and rest for a few and remember when you reflect on the above verse, remember............."never" is a very, very long time!

He Showed Me Why

It was suggested that I share some excerpts from my book on this blog so have decided to start with the summary on the back cover.

" He Showed Me Why will take you through the life of an unusually tenderhearted woman. She is a testimony to the power of God because her heart was preserved through sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse at the hands of the two people closest to her. As a cult member for 32 years, she experienced spiritual abuse as well. You will walk through the abuse done to her as a helpless child and then her self perpetuated abuse as an adult. You will hear the whys she cried out through the years. With the transparency of her writing, she will let you into the deepest places of her heart. She will share thoughts and feelings that most would try to hide. In the end, her story proves that even something as horrific as the abuse of an innocent child can be redeemed by the ever present love of God."

If that intrigues you enough to want to read my story, you can purchase it through my website www.HeShowedMeWhy.com  It is available in hard copy or ebook form for you more technical people!

I am always blessed to see you dear ones going to this blog and taking the time to read what is hear. I continue to pray that it ministers to you and your heart.

I am going through so much emotional turmoil right now that I knew I didn't have it in me to write something deep and long. So I started going through my picture files and came across this. I feel like this is from the very heart of God for me AND for you today. I hope it blesses you as much as it did me.