The Journey of Daddy's Little Girl's

Book Reviews of He Showed Me Why

2011-07-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have received two more book reviews and thought I would share them with you since I have been told that they are very crucial in marketing a book.

By Mark Sherratt of Colorado Springs: "An inspiring story of a young girl's trial on the journey to womanhood and the tribulations that set on a course to enlightenment. From the darkness that was her life to the realities of a spiritual awakening that shed the past and opened the future. It is a story of struggle, despair and a driving force to overcome the odds."

By Teresa Fernandez of Colorado Springs: "A riveting biography about a young girl's journey into womanhood. How she handled the trials and tribulations of her environment. How she found herself and a loving, kind relationship with our Grand Creator, God. A spiritual adventure you'll not forget."

SIGH It REALLY is a journey made up of baby steps.

2011-06-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

There is something I need to explain before I go any further. I don't have a home computer right now which means I have no way to do blog entries from there. So, here I sit at work at 5:00 writing to you. I have clocked out to be a good steward of course. Also, I really think visuals are important but I was looking at pictures of crosses for an entry over a month ago and got a virus on my computer at work. They were NOT happy with me so now I can only use the very few pics that are in Microsoft Office, ugh! Sorry, but this is the best I can do for now. That being said.......

Sometimes I really am not sure that I have anything worth while to share. I feel the Lord reminded me today that He uses my willingness to be transparent with my struggles as a way to help you feel better about yours. Sometimes it is just good to know we are not alone in our cycles or behaviors, at least that is what some of you have expressed to me. So I wanted to tell you where I am in my journey these days.

I have made mention of making the horribly dysfunctional decision to be in a relationship off and on for 2 years that has been my most unhealthy in many years. He wasn't a bad man, just a very broken man and we brought out the worst in each other as co-dependent people will. He has been gone now for a month or so and I am working to pull myself back together and get back on the right track again. It is amazing to me that after all the work I have done to pursue healing that I could fall so badly. But that is the point of this entry. When we come from abuse, the journey to healing never ends, well, in my opinion anyway. We work, we learn, we grow and we........fall. The point though is NOT TO GIVE UP! I could just sit around and kick the crap out of myself...you know..."Beryl! What kind of a moron are you?! How could you go backwards so far? What an idiot you are!!" But those words are words of condemnation and that doesn't come from the Lord. He convicts but never condemns. I could wallow or I could pick myself up, dust myself off and say, "Ok, I am going to learn from this and I am going to move forward and get back on track."

So that is where I am. Almost every night I am taking 2 to 3 hours and cleaning out and organizing some part of my house. I am blessed with a beautiful and rather large home so there is much to do in reclaiming my "pink cloud" but it is happening a little bit at a time. And that is the way everything works.....one step at a time. We just can't quit! No matter how many times we fall. Even if sometimes it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps backwards. We have to keep taking the steps and the Lord will bless the effort. Trust me.....I know.

"COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO ARE WEARY AND BURDENED,
AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST." MATTHEW 11: 13

After the storm...

2011-05-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it is nice to see a break in the storm clouds after almost 2 years......FINALLY!!! I got promoted last week to a position I have been asking for, for quite a while. It also means a raise and once I pass training.....an even larger raise. Big enough that I can afford to live alone in my beautiful home without needing a roommate! That has been a dream of mine for several years and it looks like the Lord is granting that wish. Also, there have been quite a few things wrong with my car for a while and quite a few are safety issues. At the insistence of one of my dearest friends, I finally went to 2 garages to get quotes and the best quote was over $1200! Well, I certainly don't have that! Then this same friend volunteered to pay for all of it! Can you believe that? God is so good and I am sooooooo blessed to have the caliber of friends that I do. Reminds me of a quote from the movie, It's A Wonderful Life: "No man (or woman) is a failure that has friends." I often feel like a failure because of my financial situation and then I read that on my refrigerator and realize the truth of it. I DO have several, not just one or two, but several really wonderful, loyal, supportive friends. How blessed I am! So things are getting much better. Promotion, raise, toxic person completely removed from my life, healthy people in my life, continuing to sell my book, one book at a time......life is starting to feel good again! The Lord really only lets us get hit with what we can stand and never lets us stay in the storm.....if we just hang in there, there is always a rainbow!

When Lord? When?

2011-05-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but sometimes it feels like there is nothing around me but tests and trials! My head knows better. There are good things happening in my life: I found out today that I have sold 20 books. I know.....it's not much but it is a start. I am in the process of eliminating a horribly toxic, destructive person out of my life. No small feat either....I have had to do really tough and even scary things to accomplish it but I want to be healthy dang it! I hate it when I look at a choice I have made and see so clearly that it came from my wounding as a child instead of the God-given wisdom of the adult woman....UGH! But, the important thing is to pick myself back up, learn and try to never make that mistake again. The Lord has brought some new and wonderful friends into my life that are affirming, supportive and loving. Just what my beat up heart needs after this toxic person.

All of that being said......recently, the tests and trials seem to far outweigh the good. I am not going to list them all...not even one because I want to somehow try and be used by God to minister to you. I guess I just want you to know that even in the midst of victory, ie: self-publishing my book (wow, no small accomplishment!) removing a clinging, dysfunctional influence from my world, continuing to get up in the morning and go to work when all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep....despite the victories........for the most part lately....my heart has been crying out to the Lord. "Lord! Please! I need a break...I can't take much more...I am sooo tired. When am I going to get a break Lord? When?"

I think the blessings that I do recognise are part of the answer though. Glimmers of light...moments of being able to catch my breath.....truths being spoken into me about my real value, just when I need it most. These give me what I need to put one foot in front of the other for another day or maybe, hour or maybe just through the next minute. Truth is, we are not promised anywhere that fighting to live for the Lord in the midst of Satan's world is going to be easy. I know, you've heard that many times. Me too. Do you know why? Because it is so true and so easy to forget. BUT, the promise we DO have from the Sovereign of the universe Who is also our Daddy is that ......

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Short and to the point but take a moment and don't think about anything else that is going on in your life or around you. FOCUS on those 10 words. While you mull over the simple truth they contain, look at the picture of water lilies, serenely floating on the top of the water. Just "be" and rest for a few and remember when you reflect on the above verse, remember............."never" is a very, very long time!

He Showed Me Why

2011-05-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

It was suggested that I share some excerpts from my book on this blog so have decided to start with the summary on the back cover.

" He Showed Me Why will take you through the life of an unusually tenderhearted woman. She is a testimony to the power of God because her heart was preserved through sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse at the hands of the two people closest to her. As a cult member for 32 years, she experienced spiritual abuse as well. You will walk through the abuse done to her as a helpless child and then her self perpetuated abuse as an adult. You will hear the whys she cried out through the years. With the transparency of her writing, she will let you into the deepest places of her heart. She will share thoughts and feelings that most would try to hide. In the end, her story proves that even something as horrific as the abuse of an innocent child can be redeemed by the ever present love of God."

If that intrigues you enough to want to read my story, you can purchase it through my website www.HeShowedMeWhy.com It is available in hard copy or ebook form for you more technical people!

I am always blessed to see you dear ones going to this blog and taking the time to read what is hear. I continue to pray that it ministers to you and your heart.

2011-05-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am going through so much emotional turmoil right now that I knew I didn't have it in me to write something deep and long. So I started going through my picture files and came across this. I feel like this is from the very heart of God for me AND for you today. I hope it blesses you as much as it did me.

The Stuff Little Girls Are Made Of...

2011-04-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

This picture painted by Jim Warren really spoke to my heart when I saw it on his website which is http://www.jimwarren.com/ To paraphrase, he talks about the beautiful and special light that little girls bring to the world. I really appreciated that because it is so true. What is even more true is that while we feel we were stripped of our light by our abuse, our heavenly Daddy knows that it is still there, deep inside of us. He wants to help us find our little girl again and let her light shine into this world that so desperately needs it. Let us take heart and know that by slowly opening up to Him, we will have more beauty in our lives and give more to others as well.

The Lord Continues To Move....

2011-04-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to briefly share that as a result of the radio interview, I received my first request to come and share my testimony with a small group of women! I have known that the book isn't really the center focus but rather is to be a springboard for me to be able to share hope with so many other women coming from abuse like me. So this engagement can be an open door to more speaking! I would appreciate your prayers that I will be in the center of the Lord's will in this regard and that He would send more opportunities my way.

Just a parting thought to ponder throughout your day today:

"The LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him." Psalm 104: 13-15, 17

Though being "only dust" He loves me, He loves you and that love is as constant as time itself. NEVER doubt it, no matter what the enemy whispers in your ear!

Discount Available For My Blog Readers!

2011-03-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

Just as a thank you for following my blog I have decided to offer a discount through this site as well as my website and face book. If you go to my website and follow the link, you can enter the following discount code to receive $1.50 off the purchase of my book in hard copy form.

DISCOUNT CODE: PAT8FHKS

I would be blessed if you would sign my quest book while you are there. I also ask for your prayerful support that the Lord will use the radio interview to reach as many people as possible that struggle with hopelessness due to the damage from childhood abuse.

If you do buy a copy of my book, I pray that it blesses you and affirms the truth in your heart, that you are NEVER abandoned by your "Daddy" no matter how much proof there seems to be to the contrary.

You can listen to me on the radio!

2011-03-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

I believe it is a wonderful gift from the Lord that Skip Rice with KTLF 90.5 chose to interview me on his morning show after reading my book. The interview will be airing on Monday, the 28th around 7:40 am Mountain Time. They are on the web so if you are not local to the area, all you have to do is go to www.ktlf.org and on the home page click on "listen live". In a matter of seconds you will be listening to the station. I request that you pray for the Lord to use this to get the word of my testimony out to all who can be blessed and given hope by it. My book will also be available in hard copy through my website as of Monday morning. Thank you for all of your prayerful support and encouragement.

OPPS!!!

2011-03-24T09:44:00.001-07:00

I thought that writing the book was difficult! Self publishing is just as hard, only in different ways. Without my dear friend Jenny....this just wouldn't be happening! We have encounted a few technical difficulties so the book will not be available til Monday, the 28th. I apologize for any inconvenience but we want the book to be as close to perfect as is possible. Thank you for your patience with this process. May the Lord bless you and keep you happy and safe throughout your day today.

With The Lord's Help, I Am Now A Published Author!

2011-03-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

The last 3 years have been quite a journey and many of you have been here with me the whole time....well and longer than that for some. I cannot tell you how much your encouragement and prayerful support has blessed me through the turbulent years. While it was a huge victory to finish writing the book, actually getting it out there for others to read is an even larger victory. It was actually available online through my website as an eBook on the 6th of this month. But as of Thursday, the 24th, it will also be available as a hard copy. If you go to www.HeShowedMeWhy.com and click on the link, it will take you to the place on Amazon where it can be ordered. I am humbly requesting that you go through my website instead of directly to Amazon because I literally get twice the royalty that way. I was going to hold off on using Amazon's Create Space for hard copies until I made enough on eBook copies to pay for it all myself but have come to realize that no matter how much some people might want to read my story, they won't order an eBook. So, in trying to be flexible, I am going this route a lot sooner than planned. There are those of you that were very supportive of my writing process and I just want to thank you again and am blessed to be able to show you that it was not in vain. You were used by the Lord and I still thank Him for you. You know who you ARE! I welcome any thoughts or feelings you might have about the book after you have read it. Amazon reader reviews would be very appreciated as well. So, let's see what the Lord plans to do with this huh? It's all according to His plan anyway! Blessings!

COMING SOON as an ebook "He Showed Me Why - A Memoir of an abuse survivor and former cult member"

2011-02-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

Wow! I couldn't believe it when I saw the date of my last entry. Time truly does fly. I know I have said this before, but I do believe this time really is different. There will be much more consistent entries from this point on.

So what is different THIS TIME Beryl? Well, there were things the Lord needed to do in me before I could publish my book, "He Showed Me Why". Those are the same things that I needed to be consistent in writing on this blog. He has been working much healing in my heart and giving me a focus I haven't had before. Let's face it....publishing my book is an entirely different thing than I have ever done before. I am wasting my time self publishing if I am not going to be committed to promoting it. After all, I'm not just the co-author (God is the Author) but I am also the agent and publisher. This blog is part of God's plan that is now set in motion and I don't intend to do anything to hold His plan up!

That being said, this entry is strictly devoted to announcing that my book, "He Showed Me Why" is going to be available in ebook format as of March 6, 2011. Since I am self-publishing, I am solely responsible for funding and let's just say, um, I don't have any! Well, very little anyway. So doing it as an ebook first will allow me to make the money to then print hard copies. I only need to sell 62 ebooks to make enough money to print 50 hard copies which I feel confident is more than attainable.

It will be available through my website at http://www.heshowedmewhy.com/ with a link to pay through PayPal which is very secure. I appreciate all of your support and any thoughts or questions that you may have once you have read it. This probably won't come as a shock if you have followed my entries through the years, but it isn't an easy read, HOWEVER, it has a GREAT ending!

It's a process......

2010-05-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like this inside? I spent the last half of my day yesterday feeling like I was twisting and turning in the wind! I was feeling led to write today, so was looking through my daily devotional and came across Psalm 51:10:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

"Renew a steadfast spirit".....what does that indicate? It tells me that we can expect to have days of tumult and feelings of upheaval..that is just part of doing this thing we call life. But the key...is to turn to our Father and ask Him to calm the storm, AGAIN, and to bring back His pure peace into our heart so we can see in truth. What I mean is, last night, I was discouraged, afraid, hopeless and frustrated. When I am in that place, in the midst of the storm, I am incapable of seeing and feeling anything but the waves splashing in my face and the wind whipping me around...and when I am there, I'm right where the enemy wants me. I think that there are times in our lives when calming the storm in our spirit is something that is done daily...it is a process. And the key thing to remember is that I can't do this alone...He is the Calmer of the storm and the Source of the peace that I seek...the clarity and focus I desperately need...all rest in the palm of His hand. I found comfort in the above verse because it says to me that He knows that despite having a day of peace, the very next day I could find myself being tossed about like a wave on the ocean again and will need to go back to my anchor and beg Him to calm the storm. He is okay with that and He loves me anyway.

What is my identity?

2010-04-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

When we are abused...in any fashion...we learn as children to wear masks because we, of ourselves are not acceptable (at least that is the lie we are told.) In some cases, we not only have our own masks that we wear to try and protect ourselves, but we have masks that are thrust upon us, that we had better conform to, or be willing to accept the horrible consequences. But as we get older, without realizing it, both types of the masks can become our identity, either to win favor or as a protective instinct. Then, suddenly, we realize, that we have no idea who we really are, how we really feel or what we really believe. We start to cling to the false masks we have because we just know that if we take them off and look in the mirror, we will find and see....nothing...nobody. So the question beckons us....isn't it better to wear a false mask than to rummage through the years of abuse and pain to rediscover ourselves again? Isn't a fake identity better than no identity at all? PRAISE THE LORD that He holds the answer to this frightening, painful conundrum.

Acts 17:28 says, "For in Him we live and move and have our being." Italics mine

What a wonderful place to start finding ourselves! While trusting in Him for anything is an ongoing battle....if we just open the door to Him a crack and timidly ask, "Please....Daddy...show me who I am in Your eyes. Help me begin to find MY beliefs. Help me begin to know that it is okay for me to have feelings and to express them. Show me small ways that I can start to explore the parts of me that are really me and that You love." There is no one that wants us to be whole individuals more than our Father and He says in His word that if we ask ANYTHING according to His will, He will give it to us. Rest assured, we will begin to find our true identity with His guidance and strength.

2010-04-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE. But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Some days are just toooo much!

2010-04-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

I really feel in need of the stress reduction kit today! It's actually appealing to think about using it! Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I am trying...I just keep running into walls. Do you feel that way too? So as I was feeling the frustration of spirit within me I began to peruse a women's devotional. A verse jumped out at me that caused me to just take a deep breath and I wanted to share it with you.

It's Zephaniah 3:17 which says:

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

"He will quiet you with his love." When feeling tulmult in our hearts....let us just breath for a moment and remember our "Daddy's" love...and let Him quiet us. He is faithful and will.....if we let Him.

A powerful song....

2010-04-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

I am doing something different today in that I am just going to share the lyrics of a song that really speak to my heart. I pray it reminds you that the Lord doesn't always expect us to be valiant warriors on the battlefield...sometimes He just wants us to run to Him and let Him put His arms around us for a while. It is a song by Twila Paris and it's title is:

THE WARRIOR IS A CHILD

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

Strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

Never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

The truth verses the lie.....

2010-04-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

"But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive." Genesis 50:20

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

As I was talking with my boss yesterday about my struggles, he shared his favorite verse in Genesis with me, which struck me powerfully because of it's perfect application for those of us who are abuse survivors. I have shared with you often that I don't believe it is ever the direct action of our God that makes bad things happen to us. However, if you look at the verse in Genesis through the heart of the verse in Romans, I think it demonstrates what we see happening in our lives consistently. Satan has tried to destroy our lives, our hope, our peace, our hearts and ultimately our intimacy, our intimacy with our "Daddy". Yet, aren't there many aspects to our abuse that have given us tremendous strength, discernment and compassion? What a glory to the Lord if we seek healing and then fulfill the verse in

2 Corinthians 1:3, 4 which says:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in trouble, with the comfort with which we are comforted by God."

I believe we can be a real blessing to others that have experienced the same heartache and betrayal we have if we can look for ways that our Lord intends to use that which was meant for evil to work good. Comforting others with our comfort is a powerful way to do just that.

The final thought for the day is this: Satan intends for us to see ourselves as ugly, deformed, worthless and broken vessels that can't possibly be used for anything of value. But the truth from Daddy's heart to ours is this:

We are sons and daughters of THE KING!!! Let us hold our heads up today, walking with confidence in that truth.

THERE IS HOPE!!!

2010-04-07T10:18:00.001-07:00

It is unusual for me to have two pictures but I decided to represent the lie that I am feeling as well as the reality of truth I need to cling to. It is not my intent to disturb you with the picture chosen to depict the lie but it is true that life often feels intensely dark and hopeless.

I also started to abstain altogether from writing today because I only want to be an encouragment to you but then I wondered how many of you have felt or are feeling the same way I am today? So here I sit writing and hopefully, in the end, encouraging you as well.

Despite the fact that I am working 40 hours a week....I am drowning financially anyway. It is so unfair to be working hard to be in harmony with asking the Lord for help and yet still be losing the battle...or at least it seems so today. There are many areas that I frequently feel this way. Regarding my efforts to walk with the Lord daily....my relationships....in reaching out to serve...in paying my bills. There are so many areas that I try and feel like all I am doing is failing or more specifically...drowning. That word and the image it conjures up in my mind is perfect. I am flailing around in this vast ocean with nothing to hold on to...my head goes under and water pours into my mouth and up my nose...then I come up, gasp for a breath, only to go back under again. That is truly how I often feel these days. Do you?

This morning as I was driving to work, the radio announcers on the Christian radio station I listening to talked about our need to rest in the Lord and then played a couple of songs about the same thing. I felt like the Lord was tapping me on the shoulder, whispering to me, "This is for you." But my response was to say, "It's hard to rest when you're drowning, Lord!"

Then I get to work and I shared how I was feeling with a co-worker today, someone I didn't know even knew the Lord. Then he explained that he feels the same way...that by the end of the week, he is counting pennies just to ride the bus. He received a promotion with more responsibility but has gotten no raise. Then he said, "But the Lord always gets me through. For today, I am OKAY. WE are okay, right? We don't know what tomorrow or the next day holds, but He is taking care of us TODAY." I felt truly humbled by a couple of things: First, he shared some of his financial responsibilities and they are much bigger than mine and secondly, that even in the face of all he has to deal with, he is clinging to the Lord for hope and peace.

So...since flailing around isn't helping me anyway...I have decided I am really going to try to cling to the actual truth..to all of the promises that my "Daddy" has given me in His Word. Promises to take care of me. Promises that I am never alone. Promises to take care of my needs. Promises that His love for me NEVER fails. I am His and NOTHING can change that.

The picture of truth was supposed to be at the end of this so you could focus on that but apparently formatting won't let me do that. So, I want you to go up to the picture of truth and focus on that....like I have and feel yourself resting in His arms because in truth............that is exactly where we are.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words and so I will say no more.

2010-04-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

I found this picture so fascinating because these are aspen trees and normally they stand straight and tall in nature. Then a parallel struck me in that we develop very differently from others due to our abuse. Yet despite that, God has a miraculous way of making us look beautiful to His glory even though we are warped and crooked. Instead of embracing the hurtful programing that I have from my childhood, "You are nobody. You are a failure. You'll never get any better. It's hopeless." I need to remember that though I feel like a deformed and ugly thing, He can use this freak of nature in wondrous ways. What an awesome "Daddy" we have! Despite the dysfunction in me...He is always Good and as long as I allow Him to...He will continue to make me into a new creation.

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13

I am 7 years old and have a long way to go....

2010-04-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

I just had to have a small entry because every year that passes and builds on the foundation the Lord started so many years ago is a miracle! On the 3rd of this month, I had my 7th birthday in Christ and I find it hard to believe because it doesn't seem like that long ago...not that 7 years is a lifetime or anything but wow! what a journey it has been...and the destination is nowhere in sight at this point. But that is just as well since I would try and find a shortcut! So I just wanted to say Thank You Daddy for getting me this far....I hope there are things that will bring Him glory in the coming year...that is the desire of my heart. I pray that you are poignantly aware of His hand being on you as you walk with Him over the next year as well. I tell you what....you remind me when I begin to doubt and hopefully He will use me to remind you that He is ALWAYS there with you as well!

Side note: This is not a picture of me....I am deliberately not using pictures of me because this blog is not about me....it is about our Daddy and our journey with Him.

2010-04-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

Well…it has been a year and a half since I wrote my last entry regarding finishing my book and what a bizarre and mostly horrible time it has been. On several occasions I have tried to write and didn’t feel any leading in those endeavors. I got my first inkling to write last week so here I am. You know, I thought I had a really good beat on what the Lord had in mind for me by the time I finished writing and boy, was I wrong!

I have always striven to be transparent in speaking with you and today will be no different even though it is difficult to tell you what my life has been like for the last 1½ years. I was walking so intimately with the Lord while I was writing as I shared with you at the time. He got me through the grueling and deeply painful process of reliving every traumatic and painful experience of my life in just 3½ months. But then, less than 2 weeks later after finishing my book, I was drinking, smoking pot and fornicating with a married man! What a shock it was to my heart to find myself in the midst of so much sin after the deeply spiritual experience I had been living daily for the last 3½ months!

I have since figured out that I was traumatized all over again by the reliving of my life and it spiraled me out of control and that is where I have been ever since. Well, up until 4 months ago, when I started to finally feel a little bit more like myself…my true self, I believe, that really loves the Lord and believes in walking with Him daily and striving to glorify Him with every aspect of my life.

I have felt so much confusion over knowing in my heart that the Lord did lead me to and empower through the whole experience, to write my book and yet knowing that He doesn’t want me to be alienated from Him and to be immersed in sin. So I have continued to wonder, “What the heck is going on?!” Surely, He wouldn’t lead me to do something that would cause me to become so unhinged, right? Well, a dear missionary sister had a startling response to that question that makes a certain kind of sense. She said she didn’t agree with that thinking. She said that she has watched the Lord working in my life during the entire 7 years she has known me and that the Lord knows the things that need to come out of me before I can be in the place to serve in the ministry He has called me to. So was it about a purging? Another lesson of never allowing oneself to think they have arrived spiritually? Not that I thought I did…. I just thought that the Lord had worked a larger healing in me than He apparently had. Another dear sister suggested that like so many other of my life experiences, there would be others that would experience forms of the same things that would be relieved to hear about my struggles. My reply is that I wish I didn’t have to have so many failures so that I could be an encouragement to others!!!

I am pleased to report that the affair and the pot smoking were ended within 6 months of them starting. However, I have continued to struggle with drinking and fornication. I am getting back to church but still experiencing struggles with prayer. I have serious trust issues with the Lord due to my background, both as an abuse survivor and as a former cult member. But I love the Lord, I mean, passionately…and I want to give Him everything…holding nothing back. And regardless of my past and my present, He has never allowed that passion to diminish. I would like to think it is because He is going to allow that passion at least some partial fulfillment.
I have a heart that hungers to minister to women that have survived childhood abuse and sexual abuse in particular. But I feel so unworthy to be in any sort of ministry until I get my life in order, at the very least, not practicing sin. I loathe hypocrisy and want nothing to do with it. So, I share my ugliness with you and ask for your prayers that I continue to draw closer to the Lord so that I can feel a freedom to share His undeniable love….no, His passion for intimacy of heart with you. That is so hard for us to believe when we have been given the message while developing as human beings, that we are worthless, objects for someone else’s perverse, sick desires. But those messages are lies, straight from the very heart of our enemy, the Devil, I believe, with the real purpose being to alienate us from the source of the true love we crave, the love of our Heavenly Father.
That has always seemed to me to be the most demonic thing about all abuse and sexual abuse in particular….it directly damages our relationship with and trust in God.

I know as sure as I am writing to you, that no matter how long I live, I will have struggles in my belief of His love for me, in my worthiness to be loved by Him and difficulty in accepting my Lord’s precious, perfect, grace.

I have an awareness I write, that my heart feels an awakening of spirit and a rightness to share with you despite my very real humiliation in doing so. I pray that somehow He uses these words to encourage you, being fully aware that if you get anything of value out of my sharing, it is the power of God and my own ability.

I have a love for you and for your beautiful hearts and painful struggles that I cannot fully express here. Please know that despite my total lack of communication, you have never completely left my heart and I feel that the Lord is going to give me the ability to stay in the place that will enable me to remain connected with you once more. May you rest in the knowledge that NO MATTER how awful and confusing things may seem, He is always working His plan in us…and He NEVER abandons us. That is His promise in His Word that we can cling to as our anchor when being tossed about in this tough and brutal thing called life.

2009-09-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am keeping this short for now. I basically wanted all of you to know that I am on a journey to get back to this blog being a regular part of my life. Much has happened to throw me off course but the Lord is beginning to call me back. I have missed sharing and missed your responses. I look forward to talking with you soon.

In His MUCH needed grace,
Beryl

IT IS FINISHED!!!

2008-09-04T05:13:00.000-07:00

No blasphemy intended.....

IT IS FINISHED!!!

3 months and 8 days after I began the Lord's assignment, I am pleased to tell you that the book, "He Showed Me Why" is completed! Thank you for your support and encouragement. I couldn't have done it without all of you!

In The Home Stretch.....

2008-08-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

There have been times the writing of my book has felt like it was taking chunks out of my heart, well, most of the time actually. The pain of describing one year after another after another, full of my mistakes and bad choices has been the hardest and most humiliating thing I have ever done. After writing for almost 3 months and still having more mistakes and dysfunctional behavior to write about, much like a marathon runner on the last leg of her race, I was feeling like I couldn’t take another step.

However, the Lord gave me new focus and with it, much like the body of an athlete when she sees the finish line ahead, I too felt that final burst of energy. I wrote 8900 words over an 8 hour period yesterday and am now at the year 2000 in my life story.

I’ve made a commitment to write about one year, every day for the next week until I am finished. So at the very most I have 8 writing days left although I think the Lord may have me end it before reaching 2008

I have decided to put everything else on hold to accomplish this goal which includes communications with family and friends by phone or email. The opposition from the enemy has been increasing with every day and I am fully aware it is because I am close to finishing and Satan doesn’t want my story to be told. My life is a strong testimony to God’s faithfulness and eventual victory which also means it paints a clear picture of the enemy’s defeat . He wants to have as many people as possible feeling hopeless and believing that God doesn’t love or want them. My story makes it very clear that those feelings and beliefs are from the heart of Satan and have no truth in them.

I am so thankful for the encouragement, love, support and prayers you have given and are giving to me for I am absolutely certain I could not have made it to this point without you. Please continue to cover me in prayer as I don’t expect this next week to be without trials. You are all in my prayers daily and I can’t wait to tell you I have finished the race in victory.

In The Thick of It!!!

2008-07-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

As you know, I do not like to use this blog as a personal page but in this case, since you know I am working on an assignment I believe the Lord personally gave me, I want to keep you apprised of my progress.

You know I have been writing my autobiography entitled “He Showed Me Why.” I have always tried to learn from my mistakes and know the only way I can successfully complete this task is to completely submerse it in the Holy Spirit, asking my “Daddy” on a daily basis for the strength to accomplish it.

I begin my days spending time in the Word, then in singing praise and worship songs and finally approaching the throne with all my concerns about beginning to write, asking for His anointing on every memory and every word. Since the first day until now, even though I am reliving every painful, ugly, traumatic event in my entire life, I have not smoked one cigarette or had one drink and I have lost 14 pounds! This is despite the fact that many writing sessions have ended in gut wrenching tears yet it is since I began writing that I have attained healthiness on all levels like I have never had before. I am even walking 1.3 miles a day; well, if I’m going to be literal, 1.3 miles a night, usually sometime around midnight. For you worriers out there, my neighborhood becomes amazingly quiet around 10pm and most of the time I don’t see a single car during my entire walk. The nighttime temperatures run between 60 and 70 degrees, the stars are twinkling overhead and I either talk to the Lord or don’t think about anything at all which either way is peaceful and soothing to my heart. There is a small playground about 2/3 of the way through my walk and most nights, I stop and swing on one of the swings for 5 or 10 minutes and get to feel like a little girl again. All in all, these nighttime constitutionals are the highlight of my days and I wouldn’t trade anything for them.

So here I am, on the eve of July 12, 2008 and I am pleased to report that I have written 191 pages with 7 chapters remaining. I believe I can finish this task by the end of this month but when I say I am writing a book, I do not mean it in any kind of traditionally glamorous way. I know I have already said this but it bears repeating. This is the most bloody, grueling, agonizing and intense thing I have done in many years, maybe ever and I beg you to cover me in prayer asking the Father to protect my heart from the brutal reliving of my life that I am being forced to do. Request that He anoint every word and memory so that it works towards my continued healing and hopefully, in the end, will minister to others as well.

I have a few people that are supporting me on several different levels (you know who you are) and I just want to take a moment to say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have no doubt whatsoever that I could not do this without you. My daily prayer for you is that the Lord blesses you for your faithful love and support of me during this difficult journey.” To the rest of my dear friends, I want to thank you for sticking by me as continuing changes occur in my life and for encouraging me in this most challenging God-given endeavor.

The Need to Keep it Straight........

2008-06-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

During my devotions today, a few verses really hit home for me especially as I write my story. The title of my book is, “He Showed Me Why” and the reason for that is because of all the years I spent angry at God because of all the painful things I had gone through. Even though my head knows He never causes anything bad to happen to me and He only wants what is best for me, typically my first response during times of testing is to blame Him for it, to ask Him, “Why?!” Because of writing my testimony and reliving painful things I have gone through, I was strongly impacted by the words I read in Malachi 3:17 New King James Bible. "You have wearied the Lord with your words; Yet you say, ‘In what way have we wearied Him?’ In that you say….Where is the God of justice?” and then chapter 4:13-15 which says, “Your words have been harsh against Me, Says the Lord, Yet you say, ‘What have we spoken against You?’ You have said ‘It is useless to serve God; what profit is it that we have kept His ordinance…….For those who do wickedness are raised up.’”

How often my emotions have mirrored those words. I live in Satan’s world which is set up to glorify and give success to the wicked while it beats down and mocks the righteous. Yet I still blame my “Daddy” when bad things happen in my life. When I read that I “weary the Lord” and even worse, “speak harshly against the Lord” when I allow myself to feel that way, it really grieved my heart and makes me want to have a heightened awareness to blame the right person when I am tested and hurting. I need to keep straight who is my enemy and who is always on my side and not let the devil succeed in making me think the unrighteous are the ones who have it made in this life.

Reading and meditating on verse 16 and 17 of the same 4th chapter in Malachi can help keep the right focus and attitude. It says, “So a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the Lord and who meditate on His name. ‘They shall be Mine,’ says the Lord of hosts, ‘On the day that I make them My jewels. And I will spare them as a man spares his own son who serves him.’ Then you shall again discern between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve Him.” I need to keep my eyes on Him and also, the reward He will bestow on His faithful servants instead of desiring the success and empty happiness given to those on the side of this world and its ruler. If I can do that, all of this darkness, pain, disappointment, confusion and injustice that I feel at times, will all be erased and made right.

This promise given to me as well as to you should be our strength. Hebrews 6:10,11,19 says, “For God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name….And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end…..This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast.” During the storms, let us never lose our anchor and may we walk in victory with Him.

It Will Be Accomplished.....

2008-06-01T16:24:00.001-07:00

“As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:10, 11 NIV

During my devotional time on Tuesday, the Lord gave me this scripture and while it is one that is very well known in the Christian community, I am amazed at how easily I can forget it or fail to really grasp the enormity of its meaning. There are times throughout the years that I have heard the Lord speak something into my life that has meaning far beyond the day that I heard it and yet I am amazed at my inability to retain those promises the moment that things start to go wrong. Well, a few mornings ago, He reminded me that He has been telling me for years, He wants to use the things that I have been though and that He has done in my life during those dark times as a means to give hope to others that are hurting and afraid. It was many years ago that I received that message for the first time and there have been many periods of despair since then that caused me to forget and yet I now find myself seeing that “word” from the Lord coming true in a very unique way.

As I already mentioned previously in an email to most of you, I have begun to write my autobiography and the Lord has blessed me to write two chapters in five days. I know that I cannot do this endeavor without His help because it entails reliving many painful memories before getting to the “happy ending”. But He is faithful and has provided all that I have needed to do this project so far, which I believe, is a part of His word spoken years ago over me and is now, starting to return back to Him with results. I just felt that He wanted me to remind you that He also has a plan for your life and if you search Him, He will reveal it to you. You can be confident that His will for you, while possibly encompassing things that will stretch you to new lengths, will also have much joy, goodness and peace in store. And His will for your life cannot be diverted by the enemy, no matter how sure you are that the Lord has forgotten you. The next time it rains, be reminded of Isaiah 55. Our “Daddy” only wants the very best for us and in the end, His desires will be accomplished and His purposes will be achieved.

Dumb as an Ox!

2008-05-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

Since my last entry much has transpired that has had me feeling down and discouraged. I am sorry for not writing for so long. I continue to be amazed at how difficult it is to be consistent in writing. I am just going to continue to try, know that I’ll eventually get there with His help.

I really struggled to find a scripture that touched me in that, “this is what I want you to write about” kind of way. But finally, Daddy showed me this one that really touched my heart during this season of my life. I was reading The Message in the Psalms and this is what I wanted to share.

Psalms 73: 21-24: “When I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy, I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox in your very presence. I’m still in your presence, but you’ve taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.” The word beleaguer is defined as harassed or besieged, which are two emotions that I have felt over the last month and a half but I have also struggled with a kind of enviousness too.

When life is so difficult, especially when it seems impossible to keep my walk with my Daddy where I want it, it is hard not to look at others and feel envy or disappointment. In my head I know that I probably don’t have a good beat on what their life is really like but on the outside they certainly seem to have it all together. Yet for me, there are times when everything good is a struggle for me and I wonder if that is going to be the theme of my life. I get tired of feeling like such a disappointment to my Father, you know? This may sound weird, but part of my fleshly child’s heart wants to be His “favorite”….does that make sense to you or am I just strange?
I want Him to be proud of me, of my life and of my devotion to Him.

But when it comes down to it, often times I feel just like an “ignorant, dumb ox” instead and while standing in His presence! I have always had a deep awareness of His eyes being on me and the fact that He does not miss anything that I do or don’t do. And yet as the scriptures say, “You’ve taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.” You know, that picture of the ox seems perfect because its complete lack of intelligence is so apparent! I see the need to hit it over the head with a stick to get its attention, you know? (I am not supporting animal abuse here.) And boy, sometimes I think that’s the only thing that will get my attention and get me back on track…..but He never resorts to that. He always leads me away from the path I am on by His overwhelming love and tenderness.

And then how does the verse conclude? “and then you will bless me.” Wow! Not only does He not berate me or smack me around, so to speak, but he is tender in His instruction and guidance and when all is said and done, then He blesses me as well. Not something that I would think to do for an ignorant, dumb ox! So let us join in praising Him today for all the ways that He continues to be our ultimate, loving and forgiving Daddy!

I Am Five Years Old Today!!!!

2008-04-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

There is no way that I could not write on this very special day! Today is my spiritual birthday….my fifth year in the Lord. And while to some, it may seem that this entry is about me….it is not. This entry is about my wonderful, awesome and loving DADDY! He alone can receive the credit for the miracle of my knowing Him in absolute truth. You see, I really did love Him all my life…I fell in love with Him when I was six…but loving Him wasn’t enough….He is the author of truth and as the scriptures say…those who love Him, must love Him in spirit and truth. How can I tell Him how very thankful that I am for what He has done in me…in my life and in my relationship with Him? What came to my mind was to praise Him for the miracle of me! There are so very many reasons that I should not have the heart to love Him like I do…….and believe me, it is not because I am some wonderful person…it is because He has kept me in the palm of His hand thru the darkest hours, days, months and yes, even years. He NEVER, NEVER, NEVER left me, forgot me or quit believing in me! How amazing is that? VERY amazing! And so here I am, 5 years after coming to know Him like I never had before…and He has been so very faithful….I have had some of the most wonderful, deep and miraculous experiences in my life over these past 5 years. You know, I can assure you….if….when….you search for Him…He will always let Himself be found! That you can count on!

So as you read this…..don’t think about me……but about my most loving and patient Daddy and the miracle of Him that He began in me 5 years ago today.

OUR SAVIOR LIVES!!!

2008-03-23T15:57:00.000-07:00

“Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, ‘I have seen the Lord!’”
John 20:18
It bears remembering that not only is the death of our Lord crucial for our salvation but His resurrection as well. He conquered death and the grave so that we might never have to live in fear of either. As this Easter day comes to a close, let us rejoice in the amazing gift that our Lord and King has given us and let us keep remembering throughout the days, weeks and months to come.
HE HAS RISEN! HE HAS RISEN INDEED!!!

The Ultimate Gift......

2008-03-21T10:22:00.001-07:00

“When Jesus had tasted it, he said, ‘It is finished!’ Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.” John 19:30

What more can be added to those words….to their meaning…..

As you go about this day….remember…..all that He did…

all that He endured……the agony that He suffered at the hands of
an insane crowd……God in the flesh allowing Himself to be murdered by puny man….He did it all for you….He did it all for me.

He died for us………How can we not live for Him?

Hosanna on the Highest!!!

2008-03-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, writing again for the first time in over 2 ½ months, I am overwhelmed by the abundant love and mercy of my heavenly Father, my Daddy. Though I have been struggling with depression over the last several months and have not maintained my walk in all the ways that I believe in…..I forced myself to go to church this morning and received nothing but blessings in the form of His love and grace. I didn’t even think about this being Palm Sunday but I am blessed to be in a church that loves to rejoice in our Lord!
My pastor is preaching verse by verse in Romans, which is my favorite book of the Bible because of the very strong message of grace that it holds. I am always so hard on myself when I am not doing all the things that not only do I believe I should do but desire to do…and yet, even when I am not measuring up to my standards of spirituality, which obviously fall very far short of His standards…..He does nothing but love on me! I am so humbled by His unconditional love for me…by Him taking me in His arms and holding me against His chest when I am so unlovable and muddy from my sinful nature. He sees me as perfect! Pure! White as snow! How inconceivable is that? I just can’t wrap my mind or heart around that!

You know sometimes when I go to write after intense prayer….I don’t always have a beat on which way He wants me to go. Yet today, I opened my Bible and there it was after turning just a couple of pages. And on top of it, it directly correlates with the sermon that I just took in this morning. He is just so very cool!
So, I will share with you….His heart for me, for you, for all of us…and this is His heart when we are so lacking in ourselves and so undeserving…

I am reading from the NIV version in Micah 7:19: “You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” And beside that I had written a notation to look up Colossians 1:13, 14 which says, “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

I think that the main thing that He has reminded me of today, which He wants me to share, is the message above. He wants us to remember that there is nothing that can change His overabundant love for us, His bountiful grace that He pours over us constantly and no circumstance that could ever make us unable to approach our Daddy and crawl up in His lap and receive the comfort and warmth that we need.

So how appropriate that He give me these much needed reminders on a day such as today. Palm Sunday, the day to lay my clothes to cover the ground before Him and rejoice in the very Person of Jesus Christ and praise Him for the sacrifice that He has made for me, the sacrifice that makes this broken little girl, whole.

Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!

A Father's Extravagant Love.....

2008-01-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

I must be getting old because there were a couple of other things that the Lord laid on my heart over the last month and for the life of me, I cannot access them and He is not bringing them to mind. So I just prayed and began reading in the Word, asking Him what He wants me to share. After reading in several different books, I found myself in Ephesians, began to read chapter 5 and ZAP! The first two verses were it! I was reading in The Message and this is what it says:

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”

Now is that a wonderful verse or what?! I was so touched by the description of how he loves us. I mean, isn’t it so true? “Mostly what God does is love you.” Well, the only word in that sentence I might change, which would be ok since it is a paraphrase BibleJ, is the “Mostly”. As I think about it, there is nothing that the Lord has done in my 42 years of living that has not been a reflection of His love for me. Like any truly loving parent, He has ALLOWED bad things to happen in my life because of lessons that I needed to learn. And because of this depraved world and the enemy himself, I have had some very bad, very hurtful things done to me. Yet, in His amazing love, He uses His power to turn even the worst events into things that have benefited me and actually made me a better person than if they had never happened. Now THAT is amazing love.

Then if you read further in the verse it says that Christ’s love for us is extravagant! I looked up that word and it was defined as, “excessive or unduly lavish” and unduly means “unsuitable”. There is no doubt that without His amazing grace it would be very unsuitable for this awesome God to love someone like me and even more, in an extravagant way! Then it concludes by saying “He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us.” (Italics mine) In a world that is so “me” oriented and selfish, it is hard to wrap my mind around the concept of someone giving of themselves with no hope of getting anything in return, even the pleasure of giving. But then you add to that concept, Almighty God of the entire Universe, One that has an unending amount to give and HE gives EVERYTHING of Himself to us!!!! WOW! How very humbling and thought provoking for this very undeserving woman to dwell on.

Being the economical God that He is, I am amazed by the fact that in a verse that so completely and beautifully conveys His amazing love for us, we also find advice on how to live our lives as well or maybe I should say… how to live our lives well. And interestingly enough, there are not a lot of instructions…..just, “Watch what God does”, “keep company with him and learn a life of love.” and “Love like that.” I can’t think of a much larger challenge than trying to love like God but it is one worth accepting, especially in a world that has grown so cold and devoid of warmth and human emotion. The next time that you are having a bad day or feeling blue, try reaching out to a stranger with a sincere, kind word and just see if the sun doesn’t seem just a little bit brighter and your step a little bit lighter.

To Accept or Reject...........My Choice

2008-01-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

While this Christmas season was a blessed time for me, I have to admit that I am glad to be getting back into life’s regular routine again. I have missed sharing with you and my Father has laid several things on my heart over the last few weeks that I will share with you, one at a time.

Today I wanted to share what He laid on my heart over a month ago.

I was pondering the scripture in Matthew 23:37 where Jesus spoke to the city, Jerusalem and said, “How often I’ve ached to embrace your children, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you wouldn’t let me.” as written in The Message. We all know that when He spoke of Jerusalem’s children, He was referring to His people Israel. I have heard quite a few sermons that make reference to this scripture but always in the literal context of Jesus speaking to Israel. Yet, as I reflected on this verse as one of His modern day children, He “spoke” to me and said, “You do the same thing to Me. When you are hurting and afraid due to situations or circumstances, in your fear you do not always turn to Me and allow Me to comfort you and reassure you that I am here and I will take care of things if you let Me.” Then I thought about another reference that the Bible makes about Him weeping over Jerusalem because of her rejection of Him and His love and I wondered just how many times He has wept over me and my rejection of His love for me.

Coming from a background of abuse makes it very hard for me to believe, much more, accept His love for me. And that is without the whisperings from Satan in my ear that He doesn’t care about me or my trials. But I think that even someone not coming from abuse would find it hard to embrace His love all the time, especially in the dark valleys of fear or condemnation from the enemy.

So I just felt that He wanted me to say that He is always here for you and for me. That He NEVER wants us to try and cope or handle things all by ourselves. There is not a single tiny little aspect of our lives that are not important to Him. He cares about ALL of it. Anything important to us is important to Him. So I hope and pray that the next time that you are hit with something out of left field and you begin to feel afraid or confused, that you will remember what He reminded me of………He is waiting to gather you in His arms and give you the exact thing you need at that moment for that situation. Remember…..He loves you no matter what!!

2007-12-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas in 2007!!!
At this time of year it is customary for some to send out a Christmas letter updating you on their lives.
While I am not against such a thing, I have chosen to do something different. I decided to focus on YOU this year. After all, it is YOU that makes my life special; it is YOU that gives color and dimension to my world. YOU are the reason that I am thankful for the life that I have! The angel Clarence in the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life” said, “No man is a failure that has friends.” I agree with that, which means YOU have made me a success! So as you go about your life during this most wondrous and sacred time of year, keep in mind that YOU ARE SPECIAL…YOU ARE LOVED and YOU ARE APPRECIATED!
Have a very, very Merry Christmas!!!!

All He Has Done and Continues to Do.......

2007-11-26T22:23:00.000-08:00

There is truly not another book on this planet that is as good a read as God’s Word! What I want to share is much longer than the typical one or two verses that I normally focus on. When I began reading it and then trying to think of what verses to leave out and what not to….absolutely nothing worked. Sometimes you can do that with the Bible and not lose anything, but with this passage, it is all so intertwined and crucial to each other that it had to be all or none. And my heart felt that He wanted it to be all.

Out of “The Message” Romans 8:18 – 31& 38, 39 (underlining and bold is mine for emphasis): “That’s why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We are also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us?
I’m absolutely convinced that nothing-nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable-absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”

These verses are so complete that it is hard for this imperfect human to add much to it aside from my underlining and bold print. Just a few things that ministered to me: I think if I did keep better focus on the coming good times instead of the present hard times, the waiting would not seem like such a burden. And the comparing of my waiting to a pregnancy……that is pure gold and worth really embracing in my heart!
I also love the reassurance that when I don’t have the words to express my heart, when my pain is so overwhelming that all I can do is groan, turn to Him and bury my head in His chest….He KNOWS precisely what I want to say, He KNOWS exactly how I feel. How comforting to my soul! And, after having all that He has done for me so clearly drawn out in the latter verses, how could I EVER truly doubt what I mean to Him? I know that in my case, I forget. I forget the beautiful absolute truths that these verses state. So, I need to keep reminders around me…. I need to be in His Word that reveals His love and devotion in so many different ways…and I need to keep fellowship with others that will remind me in my times of forgetfulness.

In conclusion, how beautiful a picture straight from the heart of our Father…the embrace that Jesus holds us in…..and His embrace is warmer, safer, stronger and more loving than the best embrace we have ever experienced in our lives. THAT is our Lord and our God!

May We Give Thanks......

2007-11-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

During this season of reflection and gratitude…I want you to know that you are on my list of blessings that I thank my Father for. Thank you for being in my life and making it better by being a part of it.
In His Love,
Beryl

Please pray for me.........

2007-11-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

Well, this entry is of a more personal nature. I need to ask that you hold me up in prayer because I am a week into doing something that the Lord laid on my heart over a year ago. As you know, much has transpired in that time but there are to be no more delays!

A week ago, I began to gather research to write my autobiography. The Lord gave me the name of the book back then: “He Showed Me Why”. I know what the cover is going to look like. I have the dedication, the forward and the prolog. I have the outline and the first chapter written.

What I am doing now, is going through all of my journals, calendars and day planners and writing down all the notes or entries. I have made it to 2002 in the last week. Once I have done all of that up to present, then I am taking all of my pictures (and there are a lot!) and compiling them to match the timeline. Once that is all put together, I will then sit down and pull out the pictures and data from the time period for the chapter I am writing and will lay it all out before the Lord and ask Him to bring people, events and/or emotions to mind and give me the words that HE wants written. I can tell you that it has been a brutal week so far. I am blessed to have someone that is taking care of my very basic financial needs and that is enabling me to focus on this and nothing else until it is finished.

This project is costing me much though and I really need prayer to continue to the end.
There is a whole lot more “ugly” in my past than “pretty” or “good”. The Lord has shown me ways that He is going to use my story to help others on a variety of levels but it is taking its pound of flesh and heart in the process. I have made out a schedule that has me working on the book 4 hours a day and focusing on the blog on a regular basis as well. So I ask that you hold me up in prayer whenever the Lord lays me on your heart. If you could pray that He would help me to keep things in perspective and not beat up on myself for my past and that I would have the strength to stick with this no matter how hard it is. I also have scheduled Sunday to be a real, true day off, a day for rejuvenation and I need to be able to stick by that since the week is so hard for me emotionally. This is easier said than done since taking an entire day off every week seems to be a bad fit for this world and the way that most people function these days.

I don’t want to sound overly negative….I am aware of the God-given focus I have as well as the provision He has made for me to be able to write this and I am excited about the end result and what the Lord will do. But it is very much like surgery. The process is messy, painful, costly and slow going; however, I know that the result will mean much healing and growth for my heart, leading to a bright and exciting future as well as prayerfully giving hope to others.

Thank you for continuing to love and support me with your thoughts and prayers.

May our Father….our Daddy keep you safe and warm in the love of His embrace.

And yet another chapter begins.....

2007-11-09T00:40:00.000-08:00

My heart is so full…on so many levels…that it is hard to know where to start. It has been too long since I have written but the Lord has continued to be faithful and work in my life regardless.

But I guess for now, I will focus on explaining the newest change that I have made to this blog. When I first began this blog I didn’t have the full picture of what the Lord had in mind, (imagine that!) and so I set it up more as a blog my spiritual journey than the ministry that He has laid on my heart. That being the case, I wanted to write a tribute, if you will, to my dearest Neil.

I had a very dear and trusted friend point out to me that maybe the Lord would like tribute paid more appropriately because of the focused direction that the blog now has. After all, it is about His power, His love and His affection for us, His children, in other words, the blog is all about Him! As soon as she said the words, I knew the truth of them and therefore am compelled to make a change. But I didn’t want that change to be misinterpreted.

I HAVE been very blessed to have Neil in my life with all of his tender, caring ways and he has brought many great changes to my life and he will always have a special place in my heart. That being said, as I read the tribute that I wrote to him, my heart was convicted because the words written are perfectly descriptive of what my heavenly “Daddy” has been to me for my whole life, not just 8 years. He has been sensitive to my feelings and needs even when I haven’t known what they were! He knows me more completely than it is possible for another human to ever know me. He alone has improved the quality of my life and has used wonderful people like Neil as His vessels to do so.

I have used the term soul mate a whole lot in my lifetime and I have continued to be more and more educated as to what that really means. But as I read the words, I realize that there is no deeper, more perfect or more real soul mate than my heavenly Father! I wrote that I believe that most never meet their soul mate and settle for less. WOW! That is truer from this perspective. After all, even if we find our true mate for life on this earth, aren’t we settling for less if we let that person replace the true “soul mating” with our Lord?! And finally, I wrote, “Thank you my king for being in my life and blessing me with your love and heart.” Well, could there be anyone more worthy of those words than my Lord, my God, my Daddy and my King?!

So I needed to share with you some of the reasoning that leads me to change the tribute from Neil to a tribute to my heavenly Daddy. I also want to state that Neil has said that he would never want to take away from what the Lord has done in my life or share a place in the spotlight with Him. So he understands why I make the change and agrees with it.

So this change brings with it yet another chapter in this, as my pastor calls it, the great adventure of the Christian walk. It is no tiptoe thru the tulips but the richness and depth of it is irreplaceable. Thank you for continuing on this walk with me, I treasure you more than you can possibly know.

A letter to you...

2007-09-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Ones,

I normally will not use this blog to write about personal events but something happened last week that once again drives home the point that we do not know how fleeting and fragile our existence here is.

I received a phone message from Neil on the 6th telling me that his oldest son Matthew, along with Lauren, his wife were in a very serious car accident the day before and that both of their backs were broken. The prognosis for Lauren was good and she was going to have surgery within 24 hours but the prognosis for Matthew was not good and he was not even stable enough to go thru surgery. Neil was in South Africa on a two week missions trip when he received the news. I cannot begin to describe all the feelings that I experienced as I listened to his message. Within two hours time and after many phone calls, there were 6 churches in 4 different states praying for Matthew, Lauren, Neil and the rest of the family. There was prayer for their survival and that there would be no paralysis. There was prayer for the salvation of Matthew, Lauren and Lauren’s family. There was prayer that Neil would be able to get home safely and quickly despite the fact that all of his return flights would have to be on standby. There was prayer that Neil would be held up and strengthened by those around him and that he would have a peace that could only come from the Lord.

Well, you know, God is even more faithful than we can fathom at times. It turns out that the accident was caused by Matthew having a seizure (even though he has no history of seizures). Lauren’s quick thinking caused her to unbuckle her seat belt, grab the wheel and reach down with her hand to hit the brakes. I do not have all the numbers exact but basically this is what I know. They apparently flew over a 20 to 30 foot embankment which caused them to hit the ground so hard that even though they did not hit anything or roll the vehicle, the SUV was demolished, both their backs were broken and they had to use the jaws of life to get them out. Miraculously, the vehicle stopped 20 feet shy of a 200 to 300 foot drop that obviously would have killed them had they gone over. Without writing all that I obviously could to cover the last week and a day, these are the high points. Lauren’s surgery was a complete success, she is expected to have a 100% recovery and was released from the hospital day before yesterday! Matthew’s surgery was a complete success, is expected to have a 100% recovery and went home today! The doctor had to operate on Matthew’s spine thru his stomach and his back because of old injuries from another severe accident 10 years ago.
When he went in, he said that the damage was much more severe than the x-rays or MRI showed and that there is no medical reason whatsoever that Matthew is not paralyzed! When he removed a 3 centimeter piece of bone from Matthew’s spine, the nerve machine that he was hooked up to went crazy with all the nerve activity that started! Apparently with an injury like that, the nerves that are damaged require time to begin working again and yet the doctor said that they “changed right before his eyes” once the bone was removed. It is the consensus that he was eye witness to a miracle from the very hand of God! It is also noteworthy that Neil caught every standby flight on the way home which is nothing short of a miracle because of how overbooked flights are right now.

After driving 18 hours with just a 2 hour nap, I got to Southern California about 5 hours after Neil got home. There is no doubt that God was watching over this accident….answering prayers that had not even been prayed yet.
Matthew does not always wear his seatbelt…but he had it on. Lauren’s quick thinking stopped them short of a drop off that would have killed them both. Neither one of them is paralyzed and will have a 100% recovery. And they are both out of the hospital and walking 1 week and 2 days after the accident!!! How wondrous and marvelous is our God! It has been faith strengthening to me to see that even before we knew to pray and ask, He was answering prayers. That to me is amazing. To see His fingerprints all over what could have been so much more of a tragedy is just awe inspiring to me. The nurses talked about what a miracle it is that both of them had their backs broken and neither one of them is paralyzed. Actually, the “m” word has been spoken a lot over the last week.

I want to thank all of you that have been holding us up in prayer over the last 8 days. Thank you for your faithfulness and loyalty as a family in standing by us in the most powerful of ways. If anyone reading this is in a place today where it may be hard to believe that our Father is listening or cares about you and your life, let this be an encouragement to you. Not only is He passionate about His love for us, faithful in caring for us, loyal in never leaving us but He is answering prayers before they are even uttered. He loves all of us as His children and is mighty, powerful and able to save and He does!

In closing, there are emotional side affects from a traumatic event like this that have to be addressed. I ask for your prayers that I will be a vessel of the Lord during this time of great upheaval and adjustment. Please pray for traveling mercies as I return home at the end of the month. I also ask that you continue to pray for the salvation of these dear ones, that this heart wrenching event will be turned around for the good of all those involved, and that all may come to know Him as the tender, loving Daddy that He is.

In His Mercy and Grace,
Your servant, Beryl

ps: I am not sure how writing is going to work out since I do not have constant access to a computer but if nothing else, I will resume a regular schedule around the 3rd or 4th of October. Thank you for your continued understanding and support.

Tired and dirty but still swinging.....

2007-09-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am going through some hard trials right now. And to be honest, these trials are causing me to feel a lot of pain and fear. As I sit here to write, begging my “Daddy” to give me His words, I feel so inadequate. And He knows that I don’t want to write just for the sake of writing but it also has been 5 days since my last entry and I promised Him that I would not be distracted from writing these entries anymore. So I want to be faithful to His leading and yet wonder how I could possibly be used by Him when I feel so empty. This is not a “feel sorry for Beryl” entry, I just wanted to be transparent with you and let you know that this broken vessel wanting to be used by the Lord…..often times does not have it all together. I am out here struggling and trying to lead a spiritually victorious life just like you are and sometimes that is really tough to do.

It is important to me that you know that you are in my heart and in my prayers daily and I am strengthened in the knowledge that I am not on the battlefield alone. Thank you for the encouragement that you are to me and for all the ways that Daddy uses you to build me up. Never doubt your value, first, in His eyes and secondly, in mine and the spiritual family that we are. For me, scriptures that offer words of hope are really needed right now and it is my prayer that they encourage you too.

From The Message, John 16:21-23: “When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there’s no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you’ll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You’ll no longer be so full of questions.”

The NIV (New International Version), Psalm 55:16 -18: “But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.”

The NIV, Psalm 140:7: “O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle – “

The Message, Psalm 143:7 and 144:1, 2: “Hurry with your answer, GOD! I’m nearly at the end of my rope. Don’t turn away; don’t ignore me! That would be certain death.” “Blessed be GOD, my mountain, who trains me to fight fair and well. He’s the bedrock on which I stand, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight, the high crag where I run for dear life, while he lays my enemies low.”

The Message, Psalm 145: 18, 19: “GOD’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it. He does what’s best for those who fear him – hears them call out, and saves them.”

So the bottom line is that despite all the lies that the enemy tries to whisper in my ear, despite all the fears and pain of this little girls heart, He is not surprised by the events that have transpired and He will not only provide for my needs and bring comfort to my heart but if I rely on Him, I will be filled with His joy as well. That is what my prayer is for you when you are feeling worn out on the battlefield of life….let Him be your “rescuing knight” and your shield….you will surely be victorious if you do!

Filling The Holes in My Trust.....

2007-09-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

Psalms in an amazing book full of human emotions. David was so in love with God and yet so human! I find that so encouraging as one that is so utterly human herself. So let me bounce around a little and share some insight into David’s heart. All of these quotes are from “The Message”.

Psalm 119:25: “I’m feeling terrible-I couldn’t feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?” I can almost see a little boy crossing his arms over his chest and stomping his feet.
Of course, I have ever done that before!

Psalm 119:81, 82: “I’m homesick-longing for your salvation; I’m waiting for your word of hope. My eyes grow heavy watching for some sign of your promise; how long must I wait for your comfort?”

Psalm 119:107: “Everything’s falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your Word.”

Psalm 119:153, 154: “Take a good look at my trouble, and help me……..Take my side and get me out of this; give me back my life, just as you promised.”

Psalm 119:170: “Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise.”

Along with the obvious pain and desperation that David expresses in all of these verses, I found it interesting that in four of the five verses, David claims his Father’s promises. It is so clear to me that despite the fears, pain, hopelessness and even doubt that David struggled with, bottom line was that he believed in his Father’s promises to him.

As I have stated many times, coming from abuse has made trust or in other words, faith, much more of a problem for me than for the average Christian struggling with lack of faith. I was actually taught that my Daddy could not be trusted, that to trust him was a horrible, painful mistake. I was taught that lesson over and over again for quite a few years. And it only makes sense that if my earthly Father that I could see, could not be trusted, then I certainly could not trust my heavenly Father that I could not see! Right? Not so, but that is the connection that was made in my little girl’s heart when I was being abused. In my opinion, the most demonic thing about my abuse was the fear and mistrust of my heavenly Daddy’s love for me that it instilled in my very core. So I am not going to focus on telling you that you need to trust God when you are hurting or fearful.

I do want to share my belief that it is my absolute certainty that the Bible IS the inspired Word of my heavenly Father to me that has played a big part in my being the person I am today despite all the horrible and painful things that I have gone through. So when I cannot believe in His real love for me, in His taking care of me, I can read scripture and know that despite my feelings at the time, they reveal the truth about His reliability and trustworthiness. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about.

In Psalm 124:6 it reads, “Oh, blessed be God! He didn’t go off and leave us. He didn’t abandon us defenseless, helpless as a rabbit in a pack of snarling dogs.” But it sure feels like that is exactly what He did when I was abused! At least to my little girl’s heart! However, if the Bible is my anchor then I can rest assured that He was there and I was protected by Him in ways that I just couldn’t see or understand at the time or maybe even now. That is the difference in allowing my feelings to determine what truth is instead of letting His word determine it. There are two scriptures sited below. Ask Him to use His word to start rebuilding the foundation of belief in His love for you, his beautiful little girl.

Psalm 118:13, 14: “I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall, when God grabbed and held me. God’s my strength, he’s also my song, and now he’s my salvation.

Psalm 116:1, 2, 5 & 6: “I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy. God is gracious-it is he who makes things right, our most compassionate God. God takes the side of the helpless, when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.”

His Delight........

2007-08-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have to confess that I sit here afraid that I am being stupid writing these things. I don’t want to talk just for the sake of hearing myself speak, you know what I mean? I sit here begging my Father to anoint these words so that they are a blessing to you.

I sat down to read in the Bible, turned to the book of Isaiah and when I got to these verses, I actually cried as pictures came to me when I read the words. I want to share those pictures with you.

I really enjoy The Message, partially because the writing is so direct and also because it is so visual. What I believe He led me to is Isaiah 62:2-4 and while I realize that He is speaking specifically to Israel, we are also His children because of the precious blood of Christ and I believe that this is His heart for US too.

“You’ll get a brand new name straight from the mouth of God. You’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of God’s hand, a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God. No more will anyone call you Rejected, and your country will no more be called Ruined. You’ll be called Hephzibah (My Delight), and your land Beulah (Married), because God delights in you….”

To think that He loves me so much that He will personally name me….

To read that I could be a stunning crown, a jeweled gold cup held high in His hand……I see this amazing, awesome, regal King taking me by the hand and bringing me into His royal throne room to present me as one that He is proud of, that He adores so much, to all who would see.

“Delight” is such a wonderful word! The picture it gives me is a father lifting his little girl up and spinning her around with such overflowing and enthusiastic love for her and she is laughing with abandon, throwing her arms up in the air, feeling no fear because she knows how much he loves her and she knows that she is safe in his hands.

The words “rejected” and “ruined” struck a cord deep in my heart as I read them because they have been my close companions during a large portion of my life and still attempt to return from time to time. But their power is lessened when I read verses such as these that so vividly paint a picture of how He REALLY feels about me. Taking just a few minutes out of the day to be in the Word can change my whole outlook on the world and yes, even Him. For me…. tonight….these verses are like standing under a waterfall of His love....it exhilarates and enlivens my heart after being bowed down all day and it refreshes me after hearing the scorching heat of the enemy’s whispers in my ear. I pray that it is that for you as well and that you can know with assurance, His delight in you and love for you today.

Lessons Learned......

2007-08-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

So much has gone on in my life since my last entry over 2 ½ months ago, but I am not going to take up your time reviewing it. What I will share is some highlights of what I have learned.

(1) When Daddy gives me an assignment, I need to make sure that I don’t allow anything, and I mean, ANYTHING, to get in the way. Here is the trap: There are a lot of good, honorable things out there that can take me away from where He really wants me and once He makes His will clear to me, there is nothing as empty, exhausting or frustrating as getting away from that will.
(2) It is crucial to I keep myself surrounded by other strong women of faith that can cover me and this ministry in prayer when I cannot do it for myself. It can be so hard to ask for help but that has aided me in a more powerful way than anything else to start getting back into His will.
(3) Finally, that despite all the miraculous and wondrous ways that He has provided for me in the past, it is so easy for me to give in to fear and discouragement in the face of adversity. But here is the most amazing thing…..that instead of getting irritated with me and chewing me out for doubting, He used another ministry to send me a reminder by way of email and here was the very short but powerful message:

“The Spirit of God whispers this reminder to you: ‘I
have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold,
I will heal you.’ Jeremiah 30:17”

That came on a day when I was really struggling and very afraid and I was so humbled by His huge love and understanding of my humanness. And that is my real Daddy, not the harsh, demanding, abusive man that I grew up with. It is so easy to mix the two up in my heart and that is what the enemy wants. I am also amazed at how programmed I am to completely withhold grace from myself, to beat myself up if I am not doing everything exactly the way that I should…and when I am feeling like such a failure, feeling so very lost……He whispers words of love and tenderness into my heart.

I pray that those words minister to your heart…for they are for you too. He promises me and promises you that He hears us, sees us and WILL bring healing to us. Let those truths be your anchor today.

It's Not About Us.......

2007-06-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to be in the Word tonight and I was reading in "The Message" and I never cease to be amazed by the forthrightness of this translation. There were many verses that struck me but in particular, Romans 5:6-8 really touched my heart. I am not going to write it all but please feel free to read it yourself, it will only make it more meaningful for you.

Speaking of Jesus....."He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. ......But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him." And along the same lines, verse 2 says, "We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us."

I don't know about you but with regularity I still feel like I am "no use whatever to him". And yet, if I allow His Word to be my anchor instead of my feelings, this scripture offers much comfort. The truth is that I don't have to be "of use" to Him to have His love. As a matter of fact, I think this scripture makes it very clear that the gift of His love has nothing whatsoever to do with ME. It is all about Him. All I have to do is open the door! As I have said before, faith, ie:trust does not come easy for us...but that is not required to open the door. Think about it literally, do you have to believe that someone is on the other side of the door that wants to come in for you to open it? NO. All you have to want is some fresh air......but once you open it, then it is a lot easier for someone to walk thru it, isn't it? He understands our frightened little girls heart and so all He asks is that we open the door. He will do the rest. He promises to.

By the way.......He also understands our not flinging it open as far as it will go. Just a crack will do! :-)

The Suffering Won't Last Forever.....

2007-06-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, I am overwhelmed by the emotions whirling around in my heart. Over the last 6+ months, other than constant financial problems, things have been going pretty well in my life. NOW, a new season has come and with it.....stress, fear and pain in a variety of different areas in my life. So as I began to pray and open the Word to see what "Daddy" might want me to share, I opened to 1 Peter 5:10,11 in The Message:

"So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ-eternal and glorious plans they are!-will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does."

Now, quite a few entries back, I highlighted this verse but not with the same heart as today. This scripture has tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my heart because I want it to be true.....RIGHT NOW!!!!! It seems like there has been so much more pain in my life than "glorious plans", you know? Of course you do! We are His hurt little girls....we know what pain is. But, my dearest sisters-kindred spirits in pain....take comfort with me in these verses. The wording itself shows that He knew when He inspired the Bible to be written that we would feel like the suffering WAS going to last forever! He knew that we would not be "in one piece and on our feet"! I find comfort in that truth.

We are told in the beginning of verse 10 to, "Keep a firm grip on the faith." This is not easy for us because faith is just another word for trust and we were taught VERY WELL by our abuse NOT to trust and even more specifically, NOT to trust our father. I know that we can take refuge in the fact that our Daddy knows our hearts and understands why our faith/trust suffers. "The suffering won't last forever." So I can tell you what I am going to do as I go into this new week with a very heavy heart. I am going to take it one step at a time, one day at a time and when things seem like just too much.....one hour at a time. And I am going to let His word be my anchor when my trust is weak, if I do that.... THEN I can have confidence that there IS more and that the "more" is "eternal and glorious".
I pray that as you struggle with the various tests and trials that, no doubt, this new week will bring, that you also let these verses anchor you through the storm and to the other side where He kneels with open arms to draw us in to His unfathonable love.

There aren't words....

2007-05-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

You know, I can't just act like I haven't written for over a month and yet I don't have words that could possibly explain. All I can say is that I am continuing to try. The aspects of the ministry here are increasing rapidly. A lot more one on one time. And I just haven't figured out how to manage it all yet. I guess that is reasonable since this ministry is in its infancy and the learning curve is rather steep. I know that He will show me how and I just continue to beg for your patience until He does or until I get it! I am not going to make this the focus of the entry so that is all I will say for now other than I am sorry for letting you down and will strive not to again.

The scripture that Daddy gave tonight is really amazing to me. I love the way that it only becomes more apparent to me that all the things I have felt and struggled with over the years have not been lost on Him. I am finding multitudes of verses of reassurance for wounded little girls like us all the time. Listen to these verses, they are perfect! It is in the Message in Isaiah 58:11,12:

"I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places-firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again."

Now! How about that for a promise!!!! And isn't that what He is doing with us, one stone, one brick at a time. As much as we will allow Him to, He takes our past that He not only got us through but makes us better women for the abuse! How miraculous is that? He loves us so very much and wants to do exactly what the above scripture says......we don't have to be full of trust to let Him in...just tell Him that you want to trust Him and invite His healing power in your life and He will be faithful to the desires of your heart. He IS going to use us to make the community livable again and who has been better equipped than we have as Daddy's little girls?

I haven't figured it all out yet.....

2007-04-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to write to you and say that I really appreciate you taking the time to read the entries in this blog. I have had a few bless me by telling me that I don't write often enough. I have also had some point out that my infrequency of writing can make it hard. You know, when you think to go to it, I have not written anything new and then when you space it for a while because of that, THEN I go and write! I am sorry for any frustration, even tho' minor, that I may have caused.

I confess that I have not gotten a handle on all the different aspects of "Daddy's Little Girls". I will continue to work on this and have no doubt that He will show me how. My goal is to write 3 times a week. I think with the mentoring aspects and support group of Daddy's Little Girls and writing the book He has called me to, three is a good amount. So that is going to be my goal beginning next week. Pray for me!

Thank you for your patience with me as I walk this journey that while challenging, is already being richly blessed by the healing touch of our Daddy. Many exciting things are happening already and I am so very thankful for His leading. In an attempt to keep this shorter (yeah right!) I won't elaborate now, but will share more later. I will just ask that you keep me and this ministry in your prayers as you go about your day. I need them!

Here is a word for you from the heart of your Daddy in "The Message":
"But now, God's message..........'Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end-Because I am GOD, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you.............That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world just to get you back, trade the creation just for you.' " Isaiah 43:1-4

He loves you so and just wanted to remind you! May you, His beautiful little girl, feel Him love on you today.

His Unfathonable Love

2007-04-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

This time of year is like no other.....the weightiness of it is overwhelming to me. I watched "The Passion" yesterday and there are no words to convey my heart response to it. Well, not to the movie but to what the movie portrays very accurately, I believe, what Jesus suffered and yet as we all know, not to the true extent of the reality because it could not be shown in theaters.
While I have struggled with much negative emotion, the Lord spoke to me a little while ago and said, "This is not about how horrible you are or how horrible the human race is, this is about how inconceivably deep my love is." And I was reminded of what Jesus said to His followers in John 10: 16 - 18 and The Message records it this way:
"That is why the Father loves me: because I freely lay down my life. And so I am free to take it up again. No one takes it from me. I lay it down of my own free will. I have the right to lay it down; I also have the right to take it up again."
So with that in mind, I flash thru the various images that have been playing over again in my head since yesterday and my mind cannot wrap itself around that kind of love. To voluntarily take on what He did....and to do that because of love for ME! of love for all of us! how should that touch my heart? What should it make me feel? How would He want me to feel about it? Would he want me to beat myself up and focus on what a horrible person I am because of the part that I play in hanging Him on that cross? The part that I play in the brutality of the flogging, the humiliation, the betrayal, the agony of heart and the horrific agony of body. While I am sure that He does NOT want me to blow those facts off and I think they should motivate a more self sacrificing heart for Him, I also believe that His heart desire is to provide us, His wounded, hurt little girls, with healing, with reassurance that He would never have gone through all that He did just to turn around and abandon us, to betray us or to forget about us. If anything should reassure us of that fact, it is looking at all He has done, all that He endured for me and for you. If anything should expose the lies of Satan that have been whispered in our ears since we were first injured as little girls, it is the willing outpouring of His precious blood on the ground as they literally beat the flesh off of His body. It is the willingness of going thru the heartbreak of abandonment and betrayal at the point in His life when He needed support most. And I believe that one reason that He did is so we could know without a doubt that He knows the the way we have felt as little girls in our betrayal and abandonment. How, quite frankly, our little girls still feel about it.
These things are not expected to make everything ok in our hearts, in fact, I am certain that it doesn't. But what I am certain of is that it is because of His unfathomable love for us that He wants to minister healing to our very core, to our still very small, very afraid, very wounded little girl. And this healing is going to be, is already being given in the smallest ways, yet with restoring results thru His leading in this ministry.
My dear sisters, be assured as women, that He suffered beyond what we can conceive, to bring healing to our little girls and what He purposes will NEVER come back without results.

He continues to lead....

2007-03-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

You know, the challenge of following our Daddy's leading with all the other demands of this life can be very hard to balance. I really appreciate your prayers for me in this area. That being said, the main thing I feel moved to share is that I have been praying for direction regarding this ministry and while I have had one specific focus it felt like there was more. Well, there is. He is really laying it on my heart to go over some pivotal scriptures that seem to create a picture regarding how He raises His children. His heart grieves over some of the things that are being said in the Christian realm that are really affecting the hearts of His little girls in ways that actually inhibit our ability to trust in Him completely.
There are studies being done as I write this and I will be sharing them with you as I have shared some already.
I pray that as the days seem too oppressive to handle...too much of a burden to carry...too much to do and not enough time or enough of you, remember the words of the Psalmist in chapter 55:22 in the Message: "Pile your troubles on God's shoulders-he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin." Please put Him to the test on this....let Him carry some of your burdens. Just give Him a tiny part to begin with if you are afraid to trust in Him to come thru, like I was. He is so tender and understanding that He doesn't mind proving Himself to us and rebuilding our confidence in His love and care, one baby step at a time. Just give Him the chance.

He Has The Last Word!

2007-03-11T16:54:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned a women's group that I attend and last week we touched on what I believe is a pivotal issue for any of us that have gone through childhood abuse. We talked about the fact that when I have been giving God "what for" because He did not PROTECT me, what I was really upset about is that He did not PREVENT those bad things from happening to me! Boy, that smacked me right between the eyes. Then we discussed our definitions of protection.
I had a definition immediately that felt inspired to me. It was this: protection is to be brought through some horrible experience or situation and not only survive but be a better person afterwards than if I had never gone through it at all. Now I can't think of any material thing on this planet, that after being struck by lightening or battered by golf ball size hail or going through a level 5 tornado or hurricane that would be BETTER for it! Yet, to my little girl's heart and emotions, my day to day existence was like living in the middle of a level 5 tornado or hurricane! But by my own definition, "Daddy" DID protect me. I have no doubt that surviving abuse has given me a level of understanding and discernment that I never would have possessed otherwise. I also learned that for Him to prevent the evil done to me would have required that He change the whole foundation of mankind and take away my stepfather's God-given right of free choice to do right or wrong! Realizing the truth of that and seeing that according to my definition of protection He never did fail me or abandon me has truly been yet another life changing step in the healing process for me. So it is with these thoughts that I share the scripture He directed me to.
1 Peter 5:10 in the NIV says, "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." The Message expresses it this way, "So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ - eternal and glorious plans they are! - will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does." I JUST LOVE THAT!!!! So when the enemy would have us believe that there is no point, no good that could ever come from such bad things, be confident and assured that the One who gets the last word is, as we speak, making us better than before! We just have to hang on and cling to His word when we don't have the strength to hold on to anything else.

Words to you from the very Heart of Hope

2007-03-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

Since this scripture really struck me earlier tonight and then I opened up to it again by accident I feel that I am to share it with you.
It is Romans 15:13 from the NIV version: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." As we go into this new week, let us carry this wish, this blessing straight from Daddy's heart to ours. He desires us to be filled with an everlasting hope that no person or circumstance can take away from us. This assured hope is our anchor to get us thru the turbulent times in our day to day lives. The enemy would have us believe that there is no hope...not one based on truth anyway....that it is a dream to think that things will ever get better...but, oh there is so much more than just hope for us! Our Dad longs to FILL us with joy and peace which strengthens us so that we can rebuild our trust in Him with the wonderful result of us then overflowing with a hope that is backed by the power of the Holy Spirit! We could not be in better hands! So as we go thru this week and get hit with things that the Devil would use to dishearten us, let us be reminded that we are the little girls of the Originator of a hope that can easily drown out the evil whisperings of Satan. Let us cling to our Daddy and embrace and absorb His wonderful gift of hope this week together.

From Wandering to Living

2007-02-28T16:25:00.000-08:00

Blessings and comfort are my prayer for you, my dear sisters!
I had to wait a while for direction on today's verse but boy, when He directs, He REALLY directs!
The verses today are taken from Psalms 107:4-9a out of "The Message".
"Some of you wandered for years in the desert, looking but not finding a good place to live, half-starved and parched with thirst, staggering and stumbling, on the brink of exhaustion. Then, in your desperate condition, you called out to GOD. He got you out in the nick of time; he put your feet on a wonderful road that took you straight to a good place to live. So thank GOD for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves."
I really believe that one reason that Daddy wants to use me to share his tender love and desire for trusting intimacy with his little girls is because my wandering for years, looking but never finding a good place to live, just more bad places, the thirst, staggering and stumbling is still so fresh in my heart and mind, like it was yesterday. I remember with detailed clarity all of those feelings. I felt so sure that I was going to be left in the desert, that I would never have a good place to live, that I tried 3 times to take my own life. But, the next part of those verses has also proved to be so very true in my life as well. He did show up in the nick of time! And while it did not happen overnight, actually it has taken quite a few years, I am now on a wonderful road! A road that he set me on a while ago that has led me to a good place to live....in all ways. So while I can understand any of the downhearted emotions that you may be experiencing in this very hard thing called life...I can also offer the comfort of real experience. If you hang in there through the desert, despite your exhaustion, your overwhelming thirst, your staggering and stumbling.......Bottom line, his word is true, he WILL show up, he WILL not only get you through this painful journey, but he will lead you to a "good place to live".

The Perfect Summation

2007-02-25T18:31:00.000-08:00

The Scripture that was given to me is taken from Psalm 40 verses 1 - 3 which the NIV version reads as: "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
What amazed me about these verses is that they are a perfect portrayal of our journey. While innocent we were put in the middle of mud and mire, then often times have spent a large portion of our lives broken, crying and calling out in pain, tho' probably NOT patiently! But He is faithful and comes to us. Then despite His golden robes, He walks over with tenderness and love in His eyes, bends down, lifts us out of the mire and holds us tightly to His chest completely unconcerned by the thick, black, icky stuff that is running down the front of His beautiful garments. He takes the hem of his robe and starts to wipe the filth of our shame off our face with a gentleness unmatched by any other, His only concern is for us. And there is no rock more solid to be placed on than THE rock, is there? He then, methodically begins a work of healing in us. A work that quite often, we don't remotely understand but, heart changes do begin to occur, in baby steps we begin to trust in Him and open up to Him. Then to our astonishment, we look in the mirror one day and see that we are not filthy, tear stained, broken little girls anymore! Somewhere along the way without even knowing it we began to stand taller, feel stronger, love truer and embrace the fact that WE ARE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS OF THE KING causing songs of love and praises to rise up and overflow from within our deepest hurts. And what is next? The most wonderful miracle of all. He takes all the horror of our broken hearts, our broken lives and then uses it and us to bring hope, love and compassion to so many other broken little girls that are out there! I am blessedly amazed that my Dad can take my entire 41 year long journey and beautifully sum it up in 3 verses!!! Because, bottom line, above my own happiness, above my own comfort....isn't it all really about the salvation of His children? And when He is able to take my filth and turn it to a thing for His glory that truly does make it bearable for this little girl.

His truth uncovered!

2007-02-22T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have begged "Daddy" to keep my feelings out of this posting because they are so strong. This posting is longer than usual because of the content but there is no way around it as you will see.
There is a scripture that I have had given to me and heard quoted by the body of Christ very many times and it never has rung true in my heart. Hold on! I am not saying the Bible is not true so don't stop reading!
Neil has been writing devotionals for me daily since July of last year. There is a point to this. He takes one verse, we have been in Proverbs, and processes each word in a wonderful Hebrew and Greek program that translates the true word and/or meaning. We have seen numerous times now that sometimes the English translation for a Hebrew word has been sorely short on conveying the true word and meaning or seen the word translated completely incorrectly! That got me to thinking about this scripture that has always bothered me and so I asked him to do a word study on it for me. Well! the Lord is indeed faithful if we seek His truth! So I want to share with you what He revealed.
The scripture is Psalm 71:20 which says in the NIV version: "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." The New King James says, "(You) Who have shown me great and severe troubles....." The Message says "You, who made me stare trouble in the face."
Here are the facts: "You" is not even in the Hebrew. "Has shown me" actually means to behold, look upon or inspect. The word in Hebrew is used more than any other to indicate the method God uses to speak to His prophets. I have many verses I could site as examples but won't for now. If you want them please let me know and I will send them to you. So the whole concept of God making us go thru many bitter troubles or great and severe troubles or making us stare trouble in the face is completely contrary to the true, tender love of our Daddy. The Hebrew word for "severe" is among other things, evil. Our Father NEVER makes us go thru evil! "Troubles" translates into tribulation. "Shall revive me" translates as restore, lift from discouragement or repair. "Again" translates as a do over or returning to the starting point. "Shall bring me up" translates as ascend or rise. "Again" same word as above, repeated for emphasis, to restore! "From the depths of" translates into abyss. "The earth" translates into firm, earth, the same word used in Gen. 1:9-13 for when God created dry land.
I have felt burdened by this scripture and believe that many others have been burdened by it too without realizing it because of having hearts that focus on the latter part of the verse. But I think that it has unwittingly been used to create a false picture of who our Father really is. I have always wondered how I am supposed to really feel safe with a heavenly Father that would "make me see troubles, many and bitter". That is not a safe person. But in truth, He is the ONLY truly safe person. So, to me, this scripture means that He inspects the evils that have been done to me and PROMISES that He will restore, repair and revive me just like starting over! That He is going to rise me up from the abyss that I have lived in and establish me like the very planet that I walk on! He will never lead me to anything but that which is good, pure, holy, lovely, peaceful, kind, compassionate, forgiving and encouraging. THAT is the Father we have. THAT is the Father that we can trust completely and without a hint of fear! And THAT is what He wants you to know and take comfort in! AND THAT I CAN BELIEVE!

We are not the first......

2007-02-20T15:50:00.000-08:00

I begin with another scripture from the list that He gave me the other day.
It is Psalms 77:2-6 taken from "The Message" which says, "I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal. When friends said, 'Everything will turn out all right, ' I didn't believe a word they said. I remember God - and shake my head. I bow my head - then wring my hands. I'm awake all night - not a wink of sleep; I can't even say what's bothering me. I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by. I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together."

WOW! I just sat in amazement when I read this because I could have written those exact words so many times in my life. I am comforted in knowing that I am not the only person that has felt that way! Someone else's words written thousands of years ago that mirror my own thoughts, feelings and even actions! The devil wants us to buy the lie that we are all alone, that no one understands how we feel, that we are the first to struggle with whatever it is we are struggling with. Our Father knew that Satan would try and convince us of that and therefore inspired so much to be recorded to show that every single one of our thoughts, feelings and fears have been experienced by many before us. And if you really want to be encouraged, read thru verse 15 and see what the real truths are....we never have been and never are, truly out of His hands. He is our Rescuer, the Redeemer of all hurtful, destructive things and above all, our Daddy, the One spoken of in Psalms 55:22, "Pile your troubles on God's shoulders, he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. He'll never let good people topple into ruin." He is with you today, loving you more than you can imagine or dream. Rest in His arms and in the truth of His love for you.

A Sigh of Relief

2007-02-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

First, I need to apologize for not writing sooner. The Lord wanted me to write a Valentine from Him to you and I did not manage my time well enough to do it. I have since had it laid on my heart that this blog is a responsibility that He has given me and I am to make time for it! I still have much to learn. I do appreciate your prayers on my behalf in this area.
When I approached Him and asked for a scripture, I prayed quite intensely that the one He wanted me to share would be very obvious. When I read this one I had such an overwhelming heart response that I knew this was it. Before I share though, I need to clarify a few things. I have read books that insinuate that we committed some kind of sin as children regarding our abuse. I disagree with that thinking wholeheartedly. But I DO know that we carry guilt in our hearts as if we did sin, in fact, as children, some of us were told that we had. So in verse 2 when it speaks of sin, I don't take it as sin like the sins I commit daily that I do need to be forgiven for, but rather the inaccurate feeling of sin and guilt that comes from my abuse. And it was automatic for me to insert "my daughter" where it says "my people" and my name where "Jerusalem" is.

All of this being said, here is the scripture taken from "The Message".
Isaiah 40:1,2 " 'Comfort, oh comfort my people,' says your God. 'Speak softly and tenderly to Jerusalem, but also make it very clear that she has served her sentence, that her sin is taken care of ---forgiven! She's been punished enough and more than enough, and now it's over and done with.' "

I don't know about you but I have spent most of my adulthood feeling punished and full of sin all because of the actions of another. But this is what our Daddy wants us, his little girls to know. These chains that bind, alienate and just plain wear us out are chains that He wants to free us of. Chains that He never intended for us to be bound with. Now, I am not saying that there is a magic wand that is waved and suddenly the chains just fall off of us in an instant. What I can tell you from my own experience is that there are much fewer chains binding me than I had 6 or 7 years ago. I mean a lot fewer! The freedom for embracing life and intimacy with our Daddy DOES come if we persevere. If we just take it one day at a time, even if it's 3 steps forward and 2 back, the women that He created us to be emerges a little at a time and the persistence is really worth it. I can attest to that because I have felt very hopeless and wondered why I was even trying. But then I look at the place, the life, and the people that He has brought me to presently and I am amazed and motivated to continue with the work that I still have to do. And while we are doing that, He loves us.....I mean REALLY loves us. Read that verse again, insert your name and hear the tenderness with which He speaks to you and then, just ask Him to let you feel and receive that tenderness today in a new way. Those are the requests that He loves to hear and longs to answer.

In His Eyes.....

2007-02-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

"There's no one like her on earth, never has been, never will be. She's a woman beyond compare. My dove is perfection, pure and innocent as the day she was born."

Wow! Wouldn't it be the most wonderful blessing in the world if someone would say those words about us?! If someone would believe those words until we are able to?! "Pure and innocent as the day she was born." The heart response that I have to those words is more than I can express. That is what I long for...I actually remember being truly innocent and it was a wonderful feeling, especially now, looking back on it. So very many things have happened, in my childhood, yes, but, boy, even more in my adulthood to destroy that sweet innocence. So I read those words with a heart full of longing, tears and regret.

But here is the beautifully awesome truth........those precious words are, in fact, about US! You and Me! They are words from the heart of God for his daughters. Yes, they are from the Song of Solomon. I deliberately did not mention it before now, as I know the buttons that book can push for many of us. But, the truth of that book is that it is a deliberate picture that our Daddy inspired to be written so that we could know how He sees us. And that is how He sees us....right this moment....before another "work" can be done towards healing, before another session can be attended, another healthy decision made. These are all things that WE feel driven to do because we have been taught that we are not the beautiful picture portrayed in the words above. But the truth is, we are beautiful, lovely, adored, precious and yes, even pure in the eyes of our REAL Daddy right now! I meet with a group of some of the most amazing women that I have ever known and I venture to say that none of them feel that they are beautiful and yet, they are truly more beautiful than I can say. They have hearts that are amazing to me, that bless me every week and are women that I feel honored to know and have in my life. That is why our spiritual family is so very important. They can reflect the things that our Father sees in us that we cannot see in ourselves. They can love us and believe in us until we can do it ourselves. But as a step in that direction.....I challenge you again to just very simply ask Him to show you a part of your beauty. This can be extremely hard for a variety of reasons, but I can tell you from my own experience that He understands our fears and wants to restore our trust in His love. It's just a baby step BUT, that is how the journey happens....just one baby step at a time. Thank you for being on this journey with me. You bless my heart more than you will ever know..well, at least in this world! :-)

For anyone interested: The scripture is Song of Songs 6:8,9 in "The Message"

Exciting times!

2007-02-09T10:31:00.000-08:00

The Lord continues to move in wonderful ways regarding the women's ministry that He has called me to. On the left is the new logo that He inspired me to draw. He made it clear to me quite a while ago that the reason that sexual abuse is so wounding and far reaching is because it wounds or even breaks the very core of who the girl is. Then once we become women, those far reaching affects bleed over into every aspect of our lives even though we may not be aware of it. The little girl learns very fundamental as well as crucial things from her abuse. How to view herself, men, parenting, home, marriage and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, how she views God. And the most horrible thing about abuse and in particular, sexual abuse is that it ruins our trust in our Heavenly Father and His love for us. From everything that I have learned it then becomes impossible to live the full, abundant life that Christ shed His blood for. So the Lord wants me to make the focus of His ministry, the little girl inside that is still broken and battered. He wants her to be reached and taught how to begin to trust Him and receive His love that He has for her alone. It is only when the little girl begins to believe in His love for her and trust Him, that the now grown woman can begin to make powerful changes in her view on every aspect of life and in turn, change her life. Abuse imprisons and He, our Daddy, wants us to be free! There is not a form of abuse that I have not experienced other than demonic, ritual abuse. For so long I could not understand why He allowed all those awful things to be done to me. Now, however, I have no doubt that while He would NEVER cause abuse to be done to a child, He can turn the evil of Satan and this world around for His purpose. And He intends to use my life experiences to extend hope for you, the wounded little girl that is crying out for the love of her Father. I can tell you that while the journey is very difficult as well as painful....as you begin to receive healing and begin, one step at a time to cling to Him, life becomes a very different experience. A life of joy instead of a life of survival begins to emerge and THAT is the life that He wants for me and for you. So hang in there, I can tell you from experience that there are wonderful things over the horizon if you are willing to work at healing and as a result begin trusting in His love for you.

Just to say.....

2007-02-07T20:26:00.000-08:00

that I pray that you have had a blessed day and that you did ask Him to show you an aspect of your beauty. He just wants you to know that He loves you dearly and is proud of you. Yes, He IS! because He isn't near as hard on us as we are on ourselves! May you feel the caress of His hand and see the love in His eyes that is for you alone. Isn't that awesome! That He can focus on every single one of us like we are His only child! What an awesome Father we have! Be blessed and rest in His love.

Never Forget Who Our Real Daddy Is!

2007-02-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

I continue to be blown away by the overwhelming truth that we are formed as human beings by the imperfect hands of our parents. Well meaning parents hopefully, but imperfect nonetheless. And while it only takes a small percentage of our life to be developed by them, we then spend the rest of our life dealing with whatever they developed in us. As a survivor of well meaning but very broken parents, I really resent and struggle with the reality of that truth. And then, to make it worse, I know so many special hearts that deal with that same reality every single day, some more aware of that fact than others. And my heart aches for them and frankly, me as well. It seems so very unfair. But as I was thinking about that tonight, another voice came clearly thru and drowned out my own.

"BUT the bottom line is that you are MINE and I am your Father. I take care of what is mine and you are a work in progress, a work that I never did and never will forget about. I am using all of the baggage that you are so weary of carrying for my purpose. And in the end, you will be healed of ALL your wounds. Those two people who raised you and the baggage they gave you is NOT your legacy. I AM YOUR LEGACY. You are a daughter of THE King, my special little girl and the apple of MY eye."

So I sit here with tears in my eyes because that is the real truth. It is the truth that I need to remember as I continue on my difficult journey of, as someone special told me once, "discovering, uncovering and discarding." That even though I am broken and backwards as a human being, when He looks at me, He sees a woman that is whole and beautiful. And He wants you to know today that despite the wounds of the past and being on a journey of discovery, as you are right this moment.....YOU are a bright light in the heart of your Daddy....a beautiful, radiant daughter of The King. Ask Him today to show you an aspect of your beauty that you have forgotten or maybe have never even recognised...don't be afraid to ask because He has a long list to choose from and wants to show you how lovely you truly are.

Changes Are Good......

2007-02-04T16:26:00.000-08:00

I have taken these thoughts in prayer to "Daddy" and feel good about the changes I have just made to His blog. I say His because this blog really isn't about me....if it is, then you are just wasting precious time reading it. This blog is about Him and His work and therefore it belongs to Him. That being said, here are the changes that I felt led to make. For one, I did not understand all of the settings to the blog and some have not been able to write any comments. Well, now the settings allow anyone to make a comment. You do not have to be a member of blogspot. I have also changed the settings on the comments themselves. Since this blog is not here for entertainment value or meaningless banter, all comments are now going to be hidden and sent to me personally. That way, you can feel comfortable to express whatever feelings you may have with the knowledge that the only one reading them will be me. The only asterisk that I put on this is that I THINK that is the way I have now set it up! Those of you that know me also know that computers and I....well....how should I say it? We don't always get on so well! :-0
The first comment that I receive will let me know how successful I was. If I have not set it up correctly, I will fix it. It is crucial that you feel safe to express your heart should you feel so led.
By the way, I have deleted the picture of me at the bottom because of its ridiculous size. How can anyone believe that the blog is not about me with that!? I would like to just have a thumbnail picture if possible so maybe someone could tell me how to do that? The assistance would be appreciated.
I feel really excited about the direction that I am getting from "Daddy" and am so very blessed and honored that you are here at the beginning of this new work that He has started. Thank you for your heart, prayers and support. 2007 is going to be a GREAT year for all of us, because He has wondrous things in store. Have a wonderful week of Father/Daughter (or son) time!!!!

You just never know.......

2007-02-02T12:57:00.000-08:00

The Lord is so very good! I have to be honest, I have felt kind of dumb writing in my blog because I really didn't think that anyone was reading it. I knew that Neil was and not to make him seem unimportant at all......it's just that we talk all the time and what I write are things that I have already shared with him so it felt kind of redundant if only he was reading them. But I received a wonderful email today from a dear friend regarding my blog that has gotten me excited again about writing. When I set this blog up, it felt God directed and as a possible springboard for my women's ministry, which is going to be called, "Daddy's Little Girls". So, maybe that is still true! I have always wanted to be a willing tool in His hands to glorify Him and you know, I look at my life with so much hurt because I have fallen so short of doing that. But, He is truly the Great Redeemer and I do believe that He is going to use all of my life to glorify Him in the end. It is truly the only thing that makes my past and present failures bearable for me. So I pray that you are blessed by the testimony of His faithful love that my story shows. I am so very far from where I want to be on every level but, He is working on me every day and I am so very thankful for you, the "saints" that He has brought into my life to get me through the rough spots. I pray in some small way, I am able to bless you and remind you that you are special and loved, by me, but even more importantly, by Him.

It's been a while....but His work continues!

2007-01-31T12:52:00.000-08:00

I have sat down in front of my computer several times to write and just felt too exhausted to try and express my feelings about events in my life. Because as usual there is a lot that has gone on. The Lord continues to allow my faith to be tested in regards to employment. I was let go on yet another job as of Friday so I am currently unemployed, AGAIN! But what I am learning is that I can only do that best that I can do, when I am on a job and then when I don't have a job and am looking. When I look at the sum total of the last last 3+ years, bottom line, I have had all my needs taken care of. Consistently. So when I start to panic, I just look around and realize that I have no real reason to fear. The Lord has used various "saints" that have helped me through the lean times and while I desperately want to take care of my financial needs with no assistance, I am aware that He has used them to get me through. I have continued to work at jobs that have brought me to tears for being treated badly or other difficulties and I have not quit. I know that the Lord appreciates my willing heart and I am not bragging, I just realize that working in harmony with my prayers for a permanent job is necessary. That He doesn't just want me to sit here and pray for His help while not actively working towards what I need. So here I am, counting on the Lord to provide as well as finding ways to try and help myself.
I am aware that more than likely, you also have had things happen in your life over the last month that have been difficult, since that seems to be the way of life these days. I pray that you also are able to lift these things up to the Lord with confidence in His provision as well as the ability to see some ways that you can also help yourself. And, well, the wisdom, to know which one is appropriate. I have missed sharing with you and want to be clear that though I have not written, the Lord has continued to work in my heart in areas needed. I am going to try and focus on sharing more often and pray that you continue to be blessed by His hand in my life. Truly, everything in my life is about His work and boy, oh boy, is there much work left for Him to do!
May the Lord keep you in His care till we talk again!

Answered Prayer and Goals for 2007

2007-01-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

Happy, Happy New Year! Wow! 2006 was something else!
I am excited to be starting 2007 with new vision and purpose.

I am blessed to report that my new year is already starting really well. Yesterday was the first day of my new and permanent job! (Praise God! No more temp assignments!)Ex. Assist. to President of Worley Enterprises. He is a blind man that has contributed greatly to the growth of Blind Merchants Association and is playing a big role in getting visually handicapped people into jobs and even owning their own businesses. Another large part of his company with almost 350 employees has government contracts for food service for the military bases. I don't understand it all yet but what I have learned is really fascinating to me. I really love the service aspect to his business ethics. He values his employees and believes in rewarding good work, which is a huge blessing in itself and promises to actually provide the income that I need.

I want to share the goals that I have for 2007... I figure if I tell you about them, it makes me accountable to those of you that are dear to me. My landlady and I just talked today and I am going to pursue buying this home by the end of the year. It would be the first time I owned a home and that would be a huge financial accomplishment for me. I also intend to have my book finished by the middle of the year. I would love to be married to my sweetheart by the end of this year. And I would like to see more growth in my healing as well as in my mentoring ministry. I think that is more than enough, don't you?

I pray that you have had time to review the last year with its blessings, its failures and the valuable lessons that they hold. I pray that you are able to really visualize what you would like to accomplish in your life in 2007 instead of just ambling thru the next year. A life with purpose is a most satisfying life! I would love to hear any goal or vision that you have for the year 2007 or any thanks that you have for 2006.

I look forward to sharing 2007 with you...my dearest family and friends.

Lack of Control-sorry for the length but I think worth the read.

2006-12-20T18:31:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a while since I have written but so much has happened. I lost a beloved uncle in death right after my last entry. Someone very important to me gave me notice that she did not want us to be friends anymore because of failings on my part. I was "relieved" of my duties at the temp assignment that I spoke of in my last entry because I was absent 3 days for my uncle's funeral, in Texas. I had a job interview today that was then cancelled because of our blizzard here and rescheduled for tomorrow when I was going to be on a plane to go see my family for Christmas. After many objections and really fighting for it, I was given the chance to have the interview. Wonderful except that meant driving for 45 minutes in a full out blizzard with white out conditions.....which means that you cannot see anything outside the windshield of your car....quite terrifying to say the least! I am, however, pleased to report that the interview went very well...I then lived another 45 minutes of terror with roads that were now twice as perilous as before. When I got to experience the thrill of really getting stuck, God was faithful and sent an "angel" with a snow plow to push me out within 2 minutes. I must brag a little about my driving abilities. I had no 4 wheel or all wheel drive, no studded tires...only normal tires and front wheel drive on a low sitting Buick. I passed one truck after another, one jeep after another, and on and on, in ditches or spinning their wheels in the same spot on an incline. But the Lord got me all the way home, despite doing more slipping than having traction, wading thru over a foot of snow several times and having only about 60% visability most of the time and ZERO visability for another 20%! Praise God! And since I had Neil on the speakerphone of my cell the entire time, he was almost as fried as I was or possibly just as much in a different way.
Then I find out that the Colorado Springs and Denver airports are closed and my flight scheduled for tomorrow has been cancelled. But that's ok, I'll just call and reschedule, right? NOT! Well, unless getting there on the 25th is ok... even though I am scheduled to return on the 26th! Needless to say, I am not going to spend Christmas with my family this year!
WOW! So much need for adaptability....I am amazed at how quickly things can change in life, how much just one phone call can alter the course of my life forever...and...how little control I have in my life. I don't say that to avoid taking responsibility for my life but I do say it because people, circumstances and situations affect me every day. I am realizing more and more that my quality of life and level of happiness are directly connected to the level of flexibility that I possess. It is a very uncomfortable feeling to be at the mercy of people or things that I have no control over. But I am in the process of learning...thru education, life and the examples of people I know... that my life, health and outlook is so much the better for being ok with not always being in control. This would be especially true with trusting my heavenly Father. So as I sit here and write to you at the end of these last few rollercoaster weeks.....I feel a lot less stress and tension than I would have just a few years ago because at the age of 41 years I am finally realizing that control is not all that it is cracked up to be!
Sooooo Daddy......it's all yours!!!!

Compromising My Dreams

2006-12-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

I don't want to write just for the sake of writing so I have gone a few days with no entries. But I began a temp job today that leaves much to be desired both in utilizing the gifts I have and just suiting the person that I am. It makes me aware of how circumstances in my life have forced me to do things that I haven't wanted to do but had to do to pay the bills. (Nothing illegal!)
Life has given me many reasons to doubt that I can ever accomplish the things that I dream of but you know what? That is a lie.. a lie that I am not going to let rule my life anymore! It has ruled me long enough! My dreams may not come quickly or easily (but nothing worth having does anyway!) but I am going to try and keep focus on the goals and dreams that I have and with the Lord's help, make them come true. I believe that we are given special gifts to make a difference in life, ours and others...not to be wasted sitting on a shelf. I know that every one of you reading this has very special talents and I just want you to know that I believe in you and in the truth that God wants you to be all you can be and will help you do just that....all you have to do is ask, focus and don't lose sight of the goal. YOU CAN DO IT!!! But you have to try first.

Growth Means Change

2006-12-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

I met with a wonderful couple tonight that have many years of faithful service to the Lord so they could go over the scriptural truths about assured salvation with me. This is a relatively new concept since I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses for 32 years! There was no assured salvation in my belief system so this is a hard concept to wrap my mind around. I was really struggling with strong feelings of fear and even resentment as I was driving there because it feels like 32 years of my life was wasted in falsehood even if it was with the best intentions. That's the problem, good living and good intentions did not make me one with God. So as we went through the scriptures and I am glad to say that there is an endless supply of them that show in no uncertain terms that God guarantees the salvation of anyone that asks for forgiveness of their sins and completely turns their lives over to Him. Sorry, don't mean to sound like a sermon, it is just an amazing process to realize that it is hard to let go of what I know even though it is for something much better than what I had! And I realize that letting go is an important part of my growing up (so to speak). I find in every day that goes by I encounter some area that I need to change but am blessed to have proof, on a regular basis, that I am the better for it. So be encouraged that while it can be comfortable to stay complacently where you are......change, especially when the direction is even subtly towards God, will ALWAYS make you a better person!!! Take it from me....one woman that can be very stubborn, I go to bed tonight a better person than when I woke up this morning and it is all because of a openness to change.

The Good and The Bad

2006-11-29T17:07:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at how much learning I receive in just living this thing called life every day. Today has been a multi-faceted day. It began with a beautiful snow storm that snowed me in for a warm, cuddly, sweats wearing, cookie baking, present wrapping kind of day. Then I received a wonderful phone call from my beloved that was news of prayers being answered that have been prayed for at least 3+ years. Miracles of God....not being preachy..just stating the facts...for some things are just too miraculous to be coincidence. It was a phone call full of joy and amazement at seeing the hand of God move and begin to change the life of one dear to us. And then I received an email from a very close friend that means hurt, fear, disappointment and uncertainty for her in receiving word of a big loss in her life. And I just can't help but think about the opposing nature of the two different events that I have learned about and yet how much they can work together at the same time in strengthening my faith. I believe that the miracle of the first phone call can strengthen me for the times that I find out something bad that could make me question God's presence or why He allows certain things. He wants me to believe and stand on the truth that He is ALWAYS with me, with all of us and hold to that truth when the future seems bleak. I pray as I sit here with uncertainty in my own future that He will help me to hold on to the lessons that He has shown me today and that maybe they will bless and serve as a reminder for you when circumstances begin to make you doubt His love.

Painful Growth

2006-11-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

I almost did not write today because Sunday is the hardest day of the week for me but then thought that it might be good to be transparent. I go to a women's support group that is for a specific form of abuse and it is very, very hard to go sometimes and afterwards I often feel so empty that I don't make any plans for Sunday evenings. But I say this, not to make you feel sorry for me or feel bad, but to make a point. I do this class every week because I am aware that there are things in me that keep me from being the best servant of the Lord that I can be, that keep me from being the best friend that I can be and keep me from loving Neil the very best that I can be. So I just want to encourage you to look and be willing to see areas where growth (although painful) is needed in you. The people in our lives are affected by the areas of weakness in us every single day and like I said yesterday, the people in my life are what makes my life so wonderful and worth living... so....in my book, they deserve the VERY BEST that I have to give!

Relationship

2006-11-25T12:08:00.000-08:00

I just spent several hours having communication with my sweetheart and a couple of friends. I am amazed at how much time is required for relationships to be maintained as well as deepened. I can see that is why so many don't really view life as being about relationships
anymore. It takes time, effort, energy, commitment and desire to build relationship with others. But I become more aware all the time, that real life, truly living, is nothing but relationships! So I have made a promise to myself that I will not let time get away from me and cause me to forget what really makes my life worth living and that is you, the people in it.
I would encourage you to choose just one person that you care about but haven't talked to in a while and take 15 minutes out of your day today and make time to call them. Or maybe life has been so hectic the last week that you have not really "seen" your spouse or children all week. Then take 15 minutes to stop the craziness and just reconnect and say, "I love you and I am so glad that you are in my life". The reward will be worth the time I promise you. Have a wonderfully real day today.

Counting My Blessings

2006-11-24T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hi! I am so excited that you came to see me and I just want to thank you for your interest and time! As I said before, I welcome any thoughts or even constructive criticisms whenever you feel moved to share. I am thrilled to have so many people to share my heart with. It is the minority that have a lot of people that are really important to them, you know? I am truly rich in the abundance of special "saints" that have played or are still playing important roles in my life....so today, I pay tribute to all of you and you know who you are! :-)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

2006-11-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

As I prepare to leave to share Thanksgiving with the Harvey/Darlington family I just want to thank you for being on my list of things to be thankful for! I pray that your day is spent in love and joy and remembering all the things that you have to be thankful for this day for I know that you have things to put on your list. Stop and look around you today and look for at least 3 things of beauty around you! You will be surprised how easy it can be. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe in his care this holiday season.

This is the day the Lord has made!

2006-11-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

Hello! I needed to write a note just to express what a beautiful day we are having here. It is 62 degrees, not a cloud in the sky and the mountains are incredible! I consider it to be an amazing gift to live in place where the beauty around me brings joy to my heart every single day! And each component that makes up such beauty is evidence of God's love for me and for you! This planet is absolute proof that He doesn't just want us to exist but He wants us to flourish, enjoy life and enjoy it abundantly! So it is my prayer for you, that as we approach Thanksgiving, you can begin to make a list of all the things that you have to be thankful for and decide to keep your heart focused on those things today. And know that you, dear ones are part of my list of things to praise God for!

The first day of the rest of my life

2006-11-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

Thank you for embarking on this journey with me...I am excited as I anticipate all the miracles that you will witness thru this blog every day because I have found that every day does present some kind of miracle if I just look for it. After all, isn't life just in of itself a miracle? And even if I don't post something every day, all you have to do is look up at the sky when the sun is setting or stop and look at a flower in bloom or stop at night and look at the stars....that is all you need to do to change your whole view of your day. And along with that I know that I will have things to share that will bless you as well, for God's hand has been "seen" to move mightily in my life since the very day I was born. I hope that as I share my heart and perspective on life with you, that you will be richly blessed and maybe...just maybe you'll see some things that you have never seen before! May the rest of your day be richly blessed and don't forget... when you go out to your car...look up!